BACK PENTECOS 9'4m?f News coverage of Pentecost (Trumpet fanfare) ANNOUNCER -- Live, from Jerusalem, Israel, QBC news presents the feast of Pentecost with your QBC correspondent, Stanley Steinberg. But first, this word from our sponsor. SHE -- Honey? HE --- Hmmm? SHE -- Honey, I'm worried about Pentecost. HE --- That's nice, dear. SHE -- Honey, are you listening to me? HE --- Uh huh, you're worried about something. SHE -- This is serious, honey. Pentecost is coming and I don't know what we should give. HE --- Uh huh. SHE -- Honey, will you listen to me? Pentecost is the feast of first fruits. We have to come up with a sacrifice for first fruits. What are we going to give? HE --- We don't have any choice, dear. Levitical law says we have to give an ephah of new grain. SHE -- But we aren't farmers. How are we going to give a gift of new grain? (door bell, door open) HE --- (afar) Who is it, hun. SHE -- Nobody's here. It's just a box wrapped with red foil and a big white bow. HE --- Well, I'll be. What's in it? (paper tearing, shuffling) SHE -- Look at this! HE --- Well, I'll be! An effah of new grain, all ready for giving as a sacrifice. ANNOUNCER -- Just in time for gift-giving at Pentecost, Kosher Gift House presents a complete assortment of new grain offerings. Carefully harvested and meticulously thrashed for purity, your Kosher Gift House new grain offering makes an attractive gift. But you would be proud to offer this top quality new grain to the Lord yourself. Choose from barley, wheat, oats, corn or the the new four-grain assortment. Kosher Gift House is a proud sponsor of this year's official first fruits festival. And here with play-by-play coverage of the entire festival, is your host, QBS correspondent Stanley Steinberg. But first, this word from our sponsor. SHE -- Honey? HE --- Hmmm? SHE -- Honey, I don't know who to vote for. HE --- That's nice, dear. SHE -- Honey, are you listening to me? HE --- Uh huh, you don't know who to vote for. SHE -- This is serious, honey. Pentecost is coming and we still don't have a replacement apostle for Judas Iscariot. HE --- Uh huh. SHE -- Honey, will you listen to me? HE --- I'm listening. But you're making too big a deal out of this. Barsabbas is going to win in a landslide. SHE -- No way. Matthias is much better qualified for the job. HE --- Are you kidding Barsabbas has cured way more blind people and driven out way more demons. SHE -- Yes, but an apostle does a lot more than heal people and drive out demons. He has to be a good preacher and a positive role model as well as a prophet of God. Matthias is more qualified in those areas. HE --- It's just like a woman to get hung up on the little things. SHE -- It's just like a man to demean a woman when there's an important decision to be made. (door bell, door open) HE --- (afar) Who is it, hun? SHE -- Nobody's here. It's just a box wrapped with red foil and a big white bow. HE --- Well, I'll be. What's in it? (paper tearing, shuffling) SHE -- Look at this! HE --- Well, I'll be! It's a complete kit for casting lots. Now there's a good way to select a new apostle! ANNOUNCER -- Just in time for gift-giving at Pentecost, Kosher Gift House presents a complete, high quality kit for casting lots. It's perfect for making important decisions and chosing such important leaders as deacons, elders and apostles. The kit comes complete with dozens of polished hardwood sticks and a top quality writing instrument. To chose a new apostle, merely write the name of each candidate on separate hardwood sticks, then have a trustworthy apostle select one of the sticks at random. You can be sure that with such high quality lots, the Lord will choose the most qualified successor. Kosher Gift House. Choose a gift that will choose a quality apostle. And now with play-by-play coverage of the entire Pentecost festival, is here your host, QBS correspondent Stanley Steinberg. (pause) Ah, ladies and gentlemen, we are experiencing technical differences with out transmissions from the temple mount. The weather in the temple area has changed mysteriously. A gale-force wind is whistling through the temple, but apparently nowhere else in Jerusalem. While we consult with our meteorologist to find out what that means, let's hear a word from our sponsor. SHE -- Honey? HE --- Hmmm? SHE -- Honey, what am I going to wear to the temple for the feast of Pentecost? HE --- I don't know, dear. SHE -- Honey, are you listening to me? HE --- Uh huh, you don't know what to wear. SHE -- This is serious, honey. It's windy up on the temple mount. HE --- Uh huh. SHE -- Honey, will you listen to me? HE --- I'm listening. It's windy. So wear a coat. SHE -- I just bought a brand new dress for the Feast of Pentecost. I'm not wearing a big winter coat over my brand new dress. HE --- So, don't wear a coat. Be cold. I don't care. SHE -- There must be SOMETHING I can wear. (door bell, door open) HE --- (afar) Who is it, hun? SHE -- Nobody's here. It's just a box wrapped with red foil and a big white bow. HE --- Well, I'll be. What's in it? (paper tearing, shuffling) SHE -- Look at this! HE --- Well, I'll be! It's a pair of windbreakers. SHE -- And they're multicolored, so they'll go perfectly with my new Pentecost dress. HE --- With my new Pentecost suit too. ANNOUNCER -- Just in time for gift-giving at Pentecost, Kosher Gift House presents a new line of multicolored windbreaker jackets. These jackets are dressy enough to wear with your Pentecost finery and warm enough to fend off even the highest wind on the temple mount. They come in a wide ranges of sizes from the most petite women's sizes to the most husky of men's sizes. Kosher Gift House. Choose a gift that will warm your heart as well as your body. And now with play-by-play coverage of the entire Pentecost festival, is here your host, QBS correspondent Stanley Steinberg. (pause) Ah, ladies and gentlemen, we are still experiencing technical difficulties with our transmissions from the temple mount. The gale-force winds have ceased, but reportedly, tongues of fire have come to rest on the heads of each of the apostles who are standing in the temple court. So, while we confirm these reports, here let's have a word from our sponsor. SHE -- Honey? HE --- Hmmm? SHE -- Honey, my flame is going out. What am I going to do? HE --- I don't know, dear. SHE -- Honey, are you listening to me? HE --- Uh huh, your flame is going out. SHE -- This is serious, honey. The flame that appeared on my head at the last Pentecost is going out. What are people going to say? HE --- Uh huh. SHE -- Honey, will you listen to me? HE --- I'm listening. It's almost Pentecost again. You'll get another flame. SHE -- But if I go to the Feast of Pentecost without a flame, they'll think I've lost my faith. HE --- Well, have you? SHE -- Have I what? HE --- Have you lost your faith. SHE -- Well, yes, but people don't have to know about it. Isn't there something I can do? (door bell, door open) HE --- (afar) Who is it, hun? SHE -- Nobody's here. It's just a box wrapped with red foil and a big white bow. HE --- Well, I'll be. What's in it? (paper tearing, shuffling) SHE -- Look at this! HE --- Well, I'll be! It's an artificial butane Pentecost flame. ANNOUNCER -- Just in time for gift-giving at Pentecost, Kosher Gift House presents the all new butane Pentecost flame. When the flame of faith goes out in your life, isn't nice to know that Kosher Gift House comes to the rescue? The new butane Pentecost flame comes complete with two butane refills and a continuously adjustable burner. Let Kosher Gift House be the light of your life. Our technical difficulty has apparently been corrected, and our play-by-play coverage of the entire Pentecost festival continues as the apostles reportedly are beginning to speak in foreign tongues. Our QBS correspondent Stanley Steinberg is ready with an exclusive interview with one of the apostles. And we'll bring you that interview, right after this word from our sponsor. SHE -- Honey? HE --- Hmmm? SHE -- Honey, what are we going to do about the language problem? HE --- I don't know, dear. SHE -- Honey, are you listening to me? HE --- Uh huh, you have a language problem. SHE -- This is serious, honey. During the Feast of Pentecost the Apostles are going to speak in foreign tongues. HE --- Uh huh. SHE -- Honey, will you listen to me? HE --- I'm listening. Apostles are going to speak in foreign tongues. So? SHE -- Well, if they speak in foreign tongues and we don't know any foreign tongues. We won't understand a thing they say. HE --- Uh huh. SHE -- Well? HE --- Well, what? SHE -- Well, how are we going to learn a foreign language in time for Pentecost? (door bell, door open) HE --- (afar) Who is it, hun? SHE -- Nobody's here. It's just a box wrapped with red foil and a big white bow. HE --- Well, I'll be. What's in it? (paper tearing, shuffling) SHE -- Look at this! HE --- Well, I'll be! It's a set of cassette tapes. ANNOUNCER -- Just in time for gift-giving at Pentecost, Kosher Gift House presents the all new foreign language crash course. Compiled by a panel of internationally known linguists and language scholars, the new Kosher Gift House Foreign Language crash course will have you speaking a foreign language fluently in just a few hours. Don't be left out at the Feast of Pentecost. Remember, Kosher Gift House speaks your language. (Trumpet fanfare) You've been listening to the play-by-play coverage of the Feast of Pentecost, brought to you by Kosher Gift House, exclusively by QBC news. Good night. Š2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use: Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it. Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances. You may reproduce and distribute this script freely, but all copies must contain this copyright statement. http://www.bobsnook.org email: [email protected] BACK