PIRATE   5'2m?f A pirate witnessed one of Jesus' miracles

REPORTER -- This is your investigative report, Fred Snoop, 
reporting live from the Sea of Galilee. I have learned from 
sources close to the alleged messiah, Jesus of Nazareth, that 
two of Jesus' alleged miracles were witnessed by someone other 
than his 12 apostles. Excuse me, sir...

PIRATE --- (sings) Yo ho ho and a bottle of beer.

Did you say something?

REPORTER -- Yes, I'm an investigative reporter. I'd like to ask 
you some questions.

PIRATE --- Well, heave ho. Let's have 'em.

REPORTER -- Was that a sea farer's song I heard you singing?

PIRATE --- Yup. (Sings) Yo ho ho and a bottle of beer.

REPORTER -- Isn't that supposed to be "Yo ho ho and a bottle of 

PIRATE --- Who can afford rum in this recession?

REPORTER -- Yes, well, I see you're flying the skull and cross 
bones over your dingy. Are you a pirate?

PIRATE --- You bet your mainsull.

REPORTER -- You are a pirate on the Sea of Galilee?

PIRATE --- You deaf, land lubber? I said I was a pirate. You 
doubtin' my word? Am I gonna have to carve you up in little 
pieces and feed you to the sharks, boy?

REPORTER -- No! No sir! It's just that I didn't think a pirate 
could make a living on the Sea of Galilee.

PIRATE --- Actually, pickins is pretty slim here. That's why I'm 
letting you pay me for this interview. You ARE going to pay me 
for the this interview, aren't you, sturgeon breath?

REPORTER -- Pay you? (laughs) Pay you for an interview? 

PIRATE --- You pay me or feel my cold steel, clam face.

REPORTER --  Why, yes, of course, I'll pay you. 

PIRATE --- How much?

REPORTER -- Every penny I own.

PIRATE --- Good. Let's get on with it then. I'm a very busy man. 
There's a row boat just off shore there that needs to be 
pillaged and scuttled.

REPORTER -- You pillage row boats? 

PIRATE --- Somethin' wrong with that, bilge breath.

REPORTER -- No. Row boats are good. Tell our listeners about the 
alleged miracles of the alleged messiah.

PIRATE --- Bilge breath, if you keep on alleging, I'll slit your 
alleged gizzard. 

REPORTER -- Yessir! Tell us about the miracles.

PIRATE --- The miracles happened just the way them boys said.

REPORTER -- When did you witness these miracles?

PIRATE --- Just before I took on the skull and cross bones.

REPORTER -- Before you became a pirate?

PIRATE --- You new around here, boy? Of course, it was before I 
became a pirate. My boat was for hire, see. I was carrying that 
Jesus fella and his 12 friends...

REPORTER -- ...the apostles...

PIRATE --- Who's tellin' this story, you or me?

REPORTER -- Sorry, keep going.

PIRATE --- We was sailin' from one side of the Sea of Galilee to 
the other. Jesus fell asleep as soon as we wayed anchor. 
Suddenly, this big squall came up.

REPORTER -- Gale force winds? 

PIRATE --- (growls)

REPORTER -- Sorry. Continue.

PIRATE --- Dern near capsized the old tub, but she righted 
herself and we was carried in all directions by the wind... near 
60 knots, I reckon. Black as night it was. Hopelessly lost we 
was. That's when they woke up Jesus. He raised his hand and 
cussed at the wind. Quicker than the squall came, it was gone.

REPORTER -- And were you awe struck?

PIRATE --- Heck no! I was ticked off. I dern near keel-hauled 

REPORTER -- But why? You were in danger of losing your life... 
hopelessly lost.

PIRATE --- Yeah, but at 60 knots we was 2 hours ahead of 

REPORTER -- Now, about the second miracle you witnessed?

PIRATE --- That was some time later. This time Jesus stayed 
behind and sent his friends...

REPORTER -- mean his apos... 

PIRATE --- (growls)

REPORTER -- ...go on.

PIRATE --- He sent them on ahead on my boat. Later, Jesus came 
along side.

REPORTER --  In a row boat?

PIRATE --- Nope. He was walking on the water. The hem of his 
tunic never even got wet.

REPORTER -- And how did that make you feel?

PIRATE --- At first, I didn't think much of it. I see lots of 
stuff like that after a few sips of rum. But, then, one of 
Jesus' friends, the one with the big mouth...

REPORTER -- That would be the apostle Peter.

PIRATE --- (Clears throat)

REPORTER -- Sorry.

PIRATE --- The one with the big mouth steps out of the boat and 
walks on water too.

REPORTER -- THEN, you were awe struck.

PIRATE --- No. I was ticked off!

REPORTER -- But, why?

PIRATE --- Now, there were TWO passengers who wasn't payin' 

REPORTER -- Are you sure it wasn't the rum that caused to see 
these things?

PIRATE --- Ever hang by your thumbs from the yard arm, shark 
bate? I seen it with my good eye clear as day.

REPORTER -- So, you saw Jesus and Peter walking on the water and 
you were angry.

PIRATE --- I was going keel-haul them both, but when the loud 
mouthed one began to sink they both came on board. Then I was 

REPORTER -- Because Jesus proved himself to be the messiah?

PIRATE --- No, because Jesus was on board for only half the trip 
but paid full fair.

Excuse me, now. I have a row boat to pillage.

REPORTER --  Now back to the studio.

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