BACK SAMSPADE 7'1m3f Private-I looks for Jesus' missing body (knock, knock, knock, pause, knock, knock, knock, door open, close, footsteps) SAM -- (snores) MARY - (clears throat, pause) Hey. Hey, wake up. SAM -- Huh? The check is in the mail. Huh? Oh. Hey, listen I can explain this. I... I, ah... I was up late last night... following an important lead. Yeah, that's it. I was following a lead. MARY - I'm sure. Is your name Sam Spade? SAM -- It depends. Are you from a collection agency? MARY - Of course not. SAM -- In that case, yes, I'm Sam Spade. What can I help you with, Doll? MARY - (breaks into tears) He's gone! He just disappeared! SAM -- (aside) This doll was a real looker, built like a brick ship yard. She had more curves than a mountain road and a face that would launch a thousand fantasies. But, she had PROSTITUTE written all over her. I got no time for low-lifes. So, I figured I'd look interested for a little while, and then just give her the brush off. Alright, doll, slow down a little. What's your name? MARY -- Mary. Mary Magdalene. SAM -- You got a missing person you want me to track down? MARY -- Yes, please help me. (Cries) SAM -- (aside) Hit me over the head with a beer bottle or pistol whip me, but don't come near me with a woman's tears. I'm a sucker for a woman's tears. What the heck. Business was a little slow, I could use the dough. I decided to bend my standards a little. Alright, doll, I'll find your missing person for you. I get 75 bucks a day plus expenses. You got the dough? MARY -- Yeah, sure, anything. Just find him! SAM -- When did you last see him? MARY -- On Friday, just before dark. SAM -- Did he say anything? MARY -- He said IT IS FINISHED and then he died. SAM -- He died?! You mean you want me to look for a dead man? MARY -- Yes. SAM -- (aside) I knew I should have given this dame the brush off. Look, lady, I'm a very busy man. Try the city morgue. MARY -- No, you don't understand. I'm sure they've moved the body. You must find it! SAM -- They? Who's they? MARY -- The Pharisees. They're the ones who had him killed. SAM -- Right. You want me to get involved with an assassination?! MARY -- No, it's not what you think. Just find the body. SAM -- No. MARY -- I'll double your fee. SAM -- $400 cash in advance. MARY -- There's $500 in this envelope. SAM -- (aside) Listen, folks, I know what you're thinking. But in this economy a private I has to be flexible. Okay, lady, where did you last see the body? MARY -- At the tomb of Joseph of Arimathea. SAM -- Doll face, your corps is as good as found. (door close) (aside) I went to the tomb. (footsteps, echo) (aside) The stone was rolled away and the burial cloths were lying in a heap on the floor. No clues there. So, I went to the hall of records. (footsteps, door open) (aside) The clerk there was one of those tightly wrapped librarian types with glasses. I sized her up and figured her to be one of those typical hardnosed bureaucrats. If figured I'd have to grease the skids with a little bribe. TAMI -- (sultry) Hi ya, Handsome. SAM -- Ah, hi. TAMI -- What can I help you with, good lookin'? SAM -- Need the lowdown on a Jesus of Nazareth. TAMI -- Your timing is amazing, slick, the Pharisees just made an inquiry about him. I was just about to refile it. I've got the file right here. SAM -- (aside) I know what you're thinking, folks. So sometimes a even darn good private I makes a mistake sizing people up. It was the glasses. I stuffed the $20 bill back in my pocket. So, what ya got for me, Doll? TAMI -- Born in Bethlehem, mother's name Mary, father listed as the Holy Spirit. SAM -- The Holy Spirit?! TAMI -- That's what it says on the birth certificate. Mother claims the child is God incarnate. SAM -- No! TAMI -- I don't write 'em, slick, I just file 'em. SAM -- What else you got? TAMI -- Several certificates from the temple authenticating his miracles. SAM -- Miracles? TAMI -- Yeah, the usual: Blind man sees, lame man walks, leper cured, the usual. SAM -- The usual?! TAMI -- Of course, the usual. Everybody in Judea knows about the miracles of the messiah. SAM -- Messiah?! TAMI -- Is there an echo in here? SAM -- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... TAMI -- I get off at five. How about dinner. SAM -- So, it was common knowledge that this guy... this guy... TAMI -- Jesus. SAM -- ...that this guy, Jesus, was the Messiah? TAMI -- Common Knowledge. I was one of eight or ten thousand people who Jesus fed with five small loaves of bread and two fish. Word of that kind of stuff spreads fast. It was a shame the way they railroaded him and killed him, huh? SAM -- Yeah. TAMI -- So, why are you and the Pharisees interested in him? SAM -- The body disappeared. TAMI -- (Ecstatic) Alright! Let me buy dinner! SAM -- Huh? TAMI -- To celebrate. SAM -- Celebrate? Celebrate what? A body snatching? TAMI -- It's a little hard to explain. You might not understand. (softly) I'll explain it over dinner. (fading) See you at five! (door close) SAM -- (aside) This was not your average bureaucrat. And this Jesus guy was definitely not your average carpenter. I figured he must have owed those Pharisees a lot of dough to get himself whacked and then have his body deep sixed. (door open, footsteps) I went to Pharisee head quarters. But the only one who would talk to me was the receptionist. This blond bimbo was obviously a pushover, so I just sidled up to her and slide my arm around her waist. Hi ya, pretty mama. MARG -- I'm not your mother! (slap) SAM -- Uoof! MARG -- What do you want? SAM -- (aside) I know what you're thinking, folks, but sizing people up is an art, not a science. I pulled out a $20 bill and pressed it into her hand. MARG -- Well! What do you want to know? SAM -- What did the Pharisees do with the body of Jesus? MARG -- Shshshsh. Is anybody in the hallway? SAM -- All clear. MARG -- (whispers) The Pharisees think the Christians took it. SAM -- The Pharisees think the Christians did took it?! Why, the Christians think the Pharisees took it! MARG -- Shshshsh. (Whispers) I think he rose from the dead. (footsteps) Goodbye. (door close) SAM -- That's what I get for my twenty bucks? (aside) This day had been full of surprizes. None of it made any sense. So, I went back to my office, sat down and put my feet on the desk... to sort things out. I was just beginning to contemplate the finer points in the case when this dame, Mary Magdalene, waltzes right in again without knocking. (snores) (door opens) MARY -- (clears throat) SAM -- Huh? The check is in the mail. MARY -- (clears throat) SAM -- Huh? Oh, hi. Listen, doll, this ain't what it looks like. I solved your missing persons case. BOTH -- Jesus rose from the dead. SAM -- Huh? MARY -- I said, Jesus rose from the dead. SAM -- But how could you.... Why, I just.... MARY -- I just saw him. He's alive! You can keep the deposit. (footsteps, door close) SAM -- (aside) So, that's it, folks. Another case professionally solved. Please excuse me now. (yawns) I have another case to contemplate. (snores) ©2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use: Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it. Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances. You may reproduce and distribute this script freely, but all copies must contain this copyright statement. http://www.bobsnook.org email: [email protected] BACK |