BACK WIDOWS 4'1m1f Peter puts Stephen in charge of feeding widows (knock, knock, knock) PETER -- Come in. (door open) DORIS -- (heavy New York Jewish accent) I'm sorry to bother you, Peter. (door close) You know I would never take you away from your important apostolic duties if it was not important. And, frankly, I'm not really here for myself, but for all the oppressed minions that I unselfishly represent. PETER -- Just tell me what you want, Doris. DORIS -- Mind you, I'm not complaining, but the others have asked me to speak to you on their behalf. Far be it from me to be a complainer. Because a complainer is one step away from being divisive and you know how I work my fingers to the bone to avoid being divisive. PETER -- Doris! Tell me what you want! DORIS -- It's about the food, Peter. Now mind you, I'm not complaining. I'm just a poor little widow who never... PETER -- What about the food, Doris? DORIS -- I was getting to that. Now the others were saying... PETER -- The others. What others? DORIS -- The widows. The widows who speak Greek. They say they're getting less food than the widows who speak Hebrew. Now mind you, I myself just need a nosh now and then. I don't need much food at all. But do you think I should suffer merely because I don't speak Hebrew? PETER -- No, you certainly shouldn't. DORIS -- Mind you, it's not just I who am complaining. All the widows in my mah jongg group have be given short shrift. Now are you going to just sit there while some GONIFF takes the food right out of the mouths of poor helpless widows? PETER -- No. No, I'm not. DORIS -- Good. Peter, I can't tell you what a nice thing this is you're doing for us poor defenseless, helpless widows. PETER -- Oh, I'm not going to take care of this myself. DORIS -- You're not? PETER -- No, we apostles have to keep our minds on prayer and preaching the salvation of Jesus Christ. I think we'll put some other men in charge of distributing the food to the widows and orphans. DORIS -- Well! Then I'm glad I came! I have just the man you're looking for. PETER -- Who? DORIS -- My nephew. He was going to be a doctor, you know. He's a man on the verge of success. PETER -- He's 37 years old and he still lives with his mother. DORIS -- Oh, but he's so smart. And he's got hutzpah and mocksy. PETER -- He's unemployed. DORIS -- (softly) He really needs a job. Can you help us out here? PETER -- Well, frankly, Doris, the men I put in charge of ministries have to be well-established, self-sufficient, with a proven track record of charity and service. DORIS -- That's my nephew to a tee! (softly) Can you help us out here? PETER -- Well, frankly, I had in mind a more spiritually mature person, like Stephen. DORIS -- Stephen! The girls in my mah jongg group voted him most likely to be stoned to death by an angry Jewish mob. PETER -- Well, frankly, Doris, that's why I'm going to appoint him to the ministry. He's dedicated and selfless. DORIS -- Are you implying that my nephew, the boy who was this close to being a lawyer... PETER -- I thought you said he was going to be a doctor. DORIS -- Whatever. Are you implying that my nephew is a shlimleel? PETER -- Do you really want him to handle YOUR food? DORIS -- My food? Are you kidding? I thought you were going to put the klutz in charge of the food for the Hebrew widows. (door open) Nevermind then. Listen, Peter, darling, I have a hair appointment. Shalom. (door close) PETER -- Poor, helpless widow. ©2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use: Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it. Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances. You may reproduce and distribute this script freely, but all copies must contain this copyright statement. http://www.bobsnook.org email: [email protected] BACK |