WIDOWS   4'1m1f Peter puts Stephen in charge of feeding widows

(knock, knock, knock)

PETER -- Come in.

(door open)

DORIS -- (heavy New York Jewish accent) I'm sorry to bother you, 

(door close)

You know I would never take you away from your important 
apostolic duties if it was not important. And, frankly, I'm not 
really here for myself, but for all the oppressed minions that I 
unselfishly represent.

PETER -- Just tell me what you want, Doris. 

DORIS -- Mind you, I'm not complaining, but the others have 
asked me to speak to you on their behalf. Far be it from me to 
be a complainer. Because a complainer is one step away from 
being divisive and you know how I work my fingers to the bone to 
avoid being divisive.

PETER -- Doris! Tell me what you want!

DORIS -- It's about the food, Peter. Now mind you, I'm not 
complaining. I'm just a poor little widow who never...

PETER -- What about the food, Doris?

DORIS -- I was getting to that. Now the others were saying...

PETER -- The others. What others?

DORIS -- The widows. The widows who speak Greek. They say 
they're getting less food than the widows who speak Hebrew. Now 
mind you, I myself just need a nosh now and then. I don't need 
much food at all. But do you think I should suffer merely 
because I don't speak Hebrew?

PETER -- No, you certainly shouldn't.

DORIS -- Mind you, it's not just I who am complaining. All the 
widows in my mah jongg group have be given short shrift. Now are 
you going to just sit there while some GONIFF takes the food 
right out of the mouths of poor helpless widows?

PETER -- No. No, I'm not. 

DORIS -- Good. Peter, I can't tell you what a nice thing this is 
you're doing for us poor defenseless, helpless widows.

PETER -- Oh, I'm not going to take care of this myself.

DORIS -- You're not?

PETER -- No, we apostles have to keep our minds on prayer and 
preaching the salvation of Jesus Christ. I think we'll put some 
other men in charge of distributing the food to the widows and 

DORIS -- Well! Then I'm glad I came! I have just the man you're 
looking for.

PETER -- Who?

DORIS -- My nephew. He was going to be a doctor, you know. He's 
a man on the verge of success.

PETER -- He's 37 years old and he still lives with his mother.

DORIS -- Oh, but he's so smart. And he's got hutzpah and mocksy.

PETER -- He's unemployed.

DORIS -- (softly) He really needs a job. Can you help us out 

PETER -- Well, frankly, Doris, the men I put in charge of 
ministries have to be well-established, self-sufficient, with a 
proven track record of charity and service.

DORIS -- That's my nephew to a tee! (softly) Can you help us out 

PETER -- Well, frankly, I had in mind a more spiritually mature 
person, like Stephen.

DORIS -- Stephen! The girls in my mah jongg group voted him most 
likely to be stoned to death by an angry Jewish mob.

PETER -- Well, frankly, Doris, that's why I'm going to appoint 
him to the ministry. He's dedicated and selfless.

DORIS -- Are you implying that my nephew, the boy who was this 
close to being a lawyer...

PETER -- I thought you said he was going to be a doctor.

DORIS -- Whatever. Are you implying that my nephew is a 

PETER -- Do you really want him to handle YOUR food?

DORIS -- My food? Are you kidding? I thought you were going to 
put the klutz in charge of the food for the Hebrew widows.

(door open)

Nevermind then. Listen, Peter, darling, I have a hair 
appointment. Shalom.

(door close)

PETER -- Poor, helpless widow.

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