BACK WORMS 4'2m0f Herod pretends to be God and is eaten by worms HEROD -- (aloud) Ladies and gentlemen of Judea, thank you for coming to hear me speak today. GEEVES - (English butler, nasal) Excuse me, King Herod. HEROD -- Not now Geeves, can't you see I'm giving a speech? GEEVES - Yes, sir, but you needn't thank them for being here. HEROD -- Why not? GEEVES - You threatened to cut off their heads if they didn't show up. HEROD -- Oh. Yes, well, (aloud) Ladies and Gentlemen, I just want you to know that I am not only your king, but also your God. GEEVES - Excuse me, your majesty... HEROD -- Put a sock in it, Geeves. GEEVES - Please, your majesty. I believe you're making a big mistake. HEROD -- You're not my mother, Geeves, you are my cup bearer. And if you persist in interrupting my speech you will be buzzard bait. Do I make myself clear? GEEVES - I realize that my life is in peril for interrupting you, your majesty, but I fear I must. HEROD -- (sigh) Alright, Geeves, what is it now? GEEVES - You have a right to claim to be the king of Judea, your majesty, because the Romans made you king. Noone disputes that. And a good king you are, I might add. HEROD -- Can the apple polishing, Geeves. Cut to the chase. GEEVES - You are an Edomite, your majesty. And claiming to be God in Edom is not a big deal. Edom has as God for all occasions. But this is Judea.... well, these are Jews. HEROD -- Yeah, so? GEEVES - So, the God of the Jews is Yahweh, the Lord God almighty, maker of heaven and earth. He is not a God to be trifled with, your majesty. HEROD -- Pish posh, Geeves. What's the worst that could happen? GEEVES - Two Jews named Ananias and Sapphira merely lied to the God of Judea and they died on the spot. I fear for your life, your majesty. HEROD -- Pish posh, Geeves. I come from a long line of Herod's who claimed to be gods. Nothing happened to them. So buzz off. GEEVES - Yes, your majesty. HEROD -- Why are you holding your ears, Geeves? GEEVES - Huh? HEROD -- (shouts) I said, why are you holding your ears? GEEVES - I'm waiting for the lightning to strike, your majesty. HEROD -- Pish posh, Geeves. Nothing happens in Judea without my permission. Knock it off. GEEVES - Yes, your majesty. HEROD -- (aloud) As I was saying, ladies and gentlemen, I am not only your king, I am also your God, so I expect you to ... (aside) Geeves? GEEVES - Yes, your majesty? HEROD -- There's something wiggling on my toes and up my legs. I can't see it because I'm wearing my big purple robe. Can you see what it is? GEEVES - Yes, your majesty. HEROD -- (impatient) Well, what is it? GEEVES - (afar) Worms, your majesty. HEROD -- Did you say worms? GEEVES - (afar) Yes, your majesty. Worms. HEROD -- What are they doing on my feet and legs, Geeves? GEEVES - (afar) Eating, your majesty. HEROD -- Well, what are they eating, Geeves? GEEVES - (afar) Your majesty, your majesty. HEROD -- (panicked) They're eating me? GEEVES - (calmly) Yes, your majesty. The worms are consuming your flesh. HEROD -- Well, don't just sit there. Do something! GEEVES - (afar) Yes, your majesty. HEROD -- Where are you going? Get them off me! GEEVES - (afar) Oh, I couldn't do that, your majesty. When I go fishing, I get someone else to bait my hook. (crunching sounds) HEROD -- The worms are on my face, Geeves! Do something! GEEVES - (afar) I'm doing something, your majesty. I'm leaving. HEROD -- (distorted) Geeves, I'm dying here. Where are you going? GEEVES - (afar) To find someone to bait my hook, your majesty. ©2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use: Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it. Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances. You may reproduce and distribute this script freely, but all copies must contain this copyright statement. http://www.bobsnook.org email: [email protected] BACK |