AHAZIAH  4'2m0f Elijah gets an invoice for fire & brimstone

(phone rings)

ELIJAH - Hello.

DAVE --- (by phone) Hi, can I talk to the prophet Elijah, 

ELIJAH - This is Elijah. Who's calling, please.

DAVE --- This is Dave down at the chemical supply house.

ELIJAH - Oh, yes, Dave. Is there a problem?

DAVE --- A problem. Yes, there's a problem. You're way over your 
credit limit. That's the problem.

ELIJAH - I'm sorry, it couldn't be helped.

DAVE --- Oh, then it WAS you who ordered all that fire and 

ELIJAH - Why, yes, of course.

DAVE --- Oh, rats!

ELIJAH - What's the matter?

DAVE --- I had a bet with Morty, here, that it wasn't you who 
ordered all that fire and brimstone. I bet him that someone 
stole your charge card and maxed out your account without your 

ELIJAH - No. I ordered the fire and brimstone.

DAVE --- Wow. That's a lot of fire and brimstone. Let's see, I 
figure that at 12,000 BTU's per person, you had to wipe out, 
what, 100 guys with all that fire and brimstone?

ELIJAH - 102 to be precise.

DAVE --- Wow! What did they do to you?

ELIJAH - Well, it's a long story. I...

DAVE --- Hey, we're still on page one of the script. If you keep 
your explanation under two minutes, nobody's going to complain.

ELIJAH - Well, it has to do with King Ahaziah.

DAVE --- Oh, yes, one of them obscure kings in the Bible at the 
end of the book of first Kings.

ELIJAH - Ahaziah, the son of King Ahab and Jezebel became king 
of Israel. But he worshiped Baal, which ticked off the Lord. So, 
when Ahaziah injured himself in a fall, I prophesied that he 
would not recover from his injuries and die in his bed.

DAVE --- So, when you left the palace, he sent some troops out 
to bring you back and take back your prophecy.

ELIJAH - How did you know?

DAVE --- It's right here in the script, on page two.


DAVE --- Well, listen, I don't want to steal your thunder. 
Please continue.

ELIJAH - Well, like you said, King Ahaziah sent a captain and 
his company of 50 soldiers to bring me back to the palace.

DAVE --- Then, WOOOM! You let them have it with 850 shekels 
worth of fire and brimstone.

ELIJAH - Burned up the Captain and all 50 of his soldiers, 
(snaps fingers), just like that.

DAVE --- That's because of the secret ingredient in the 
brimstone. Works every time.

ELIJAH - So, King Ahaziah sent another captain and another 
company of 50 soldiers. The Captain insisted that I go back to 
the palace with him. He said that the king's injuries had not 
healed at all, and that I needed to take back the prophecy.

DAVE --- Then WOOOM! You let them have it with another 850 
shekels worth of fire and brimstone.

ELIJAH - I didn't realize the stuff was that expensive.

DAVE --- It's the foreign oil. The price of crude is way up. 
But, please continue with your story. It says here in my script 
that King Ahaziah sent ANOTHER captain and ANOTHER 50 soldiers 
to bring you back. 

ELIJAH - That's right.

DAVE --- But I don't have an invoice for another 850 shekels. 
So, how did you zap them, with lightning?

ELIJAH - No. The captain demonstrated a fear of the Lord, so I 
went back to the palace with him.

DAVE --- That's taking a big chance, isn't it, Elijah?

ELIJAH - What chance? I knew what was going to happen.

DAVE --- Because you looked ahead to page three of the script?

ELIJAH - No. I'm a prophet of God. I know the future. I went 
back to the palace and I repeated the prophecy that King Ahaziah 
would die in his bed. Then he died instantly.

DAVE --- He had it coming.

ELIJAH - That's right.

DAVE --- So, Elijah, baby. Are you going to look into the future 
and tell me when you're going to pay this bill for 1700 

ELIJAH - Well, I'm looking into the future and the only thing I 
see is I get taken up to heaven by a firey chariot in second 
Kings chapter 2.

DAVE --- Hey, wait a minute. You mean you're skipping town? 
Who's gonna pay for all that fire and brimstone?

ELIJAH - Read ahead in the script. Maybe you'll find the answer 

DAVE --- Hey, wait a minute. The script ends as soon as you hang 
up the... 

(click, buzz)

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