AMALEKIT 4'2m0f Moses and Joshua fend off the Amalekites

(all cowboy accents)

JOSHUA -- You wanted to see me, Moses?

MOSES --- Yeah, Joshua. I guess I don't have to tell you about 
all the damage them Amalekite savages done to this here wagon 

JOSHUA -- No, sir. Them's mighty nasty varmints.

MOSES --- Joshua, the reason I wanted to talk to you is I need 
to have you organize an army against the Amalekites before they 
attack again tomorrow at dawn.

JOSHUA -- That's a heap o' work, Moses. We ain't got a single 
soldier among us. All them pilgrims ever done all their lives 
was build pyramids. What do they know about fightin' savages?

MOSES --- Don't worry about 'em, Joshua. They'll do fine.

JOSHUA -- How do you know?

MOSES --- I'm a prophet. It's my job. And your job now is to get 
an army organized to fight them Amalekites.

JOSHUA -- Ain't got near enough weapons, Moses.

MOSES --- Don't worry about it, Joshua. We got us a secret 

JOSHUA -- A secret weapon? Where?

MOSES --- Right here.

JOSHUA -- Dirty finger nails?

MOSES --- No, not my finger nails. My arms. Them's my secret 

JOSHUA -- Your arms.

MOSES --- Yes, my arms.

JOSHUA -- Moses, you been out in the sun too long.

MOSES --- Joshua, I ain't got a fever. I been talkin' to the 
Lord. He says I'm supposed to stand up on a hill overlooking the 
battle and hold my arms up.

JOSHUA -- Oh, swell! You're gonna try to kill 'em with B.O.?

MOSES --- No. The Lord promised me that as long as my arms are 
up in the air, the battle will go our way. I figure that even 
with untrained men and few weapons, we should defeat the 
Amalekites by sundown tomorrow.

JOSHUA -- Well, suppose you get tired and you let your arms 

MOSES --- That's the hard part. As soon as I drop my arms, we 
start to lose the battle.

JOSHUA -- (afar) Count me out. I'm gone.

MOSES --- No, wait. Where are you going?

JOSHUA -- You said yourself that the battle will take all day. 
You ain't exactly a spring chicken. You'll be lucky to hold your 
arms up til midday. No thanks.

MOSES --- Well, then, I'll have two people hold up my arms up 
for me. Aaron and Hur.

JOSHUA -- Hur? You're gonna have a woman do it? (afar) Count me 
out. I'm gone.

MOSES --- No, wait. You don't understand. Hur ain't a woman. 
Hur is a man's name. So, everything's okay. We'll win the 

JOSHUA -- Good. Then afterward, we'll go into the promised land 
and celebrate. (shouts) YI! HA!

MOSES --- Maybe a bit later.

JOSHUA -- What do you mean later? How much later?

MOSES --- (softly) Forty years.

JOSHUA -- Forty years! (afar) Count me out. I'm gone.

MOSES --- What about your devotion to your Lord, the God of 

JOSHUA -- Well, alright, I'll lead the army into battle. But you 
owe me one dinner tomorrow night right after the victory. I want 
a thick T-bone steak, a cob a sweet corn, mashed potatas and 
gravy and apple pie for desert.

MOSES --- You'll have to settle for manna.

JOSHUA -- What's that?

MOSES --- That's right.

JOSHUA -- No, I asked you what is it?

MOSES --- That's right. Manna means what is it?

JOSHUA -- Is that anything like mystery meat?

MOSES --- Well, sort of, except you pick it up off the ground.

JOSHUA -- (afar) Count me out. I'm gone.

MOSES --- If you leave now. You won't be in my book.

JOSHUA -- Book? What book?

MOSES --- I'm writin' a new book. It's called the Bible. And 
you'll be in it... if you lead the army tomorrow.

JOSHUA -- And we're a cinch to win?

MOSES --- I already wrote about the victory in my book. Only 
thing I left out was the name of the man who led the army to 

JOSHUA -- You sweet talkin', silver tongue smoothy. My name is 
spelled Joshua, J.O.S.H....

MOSES --- ...I know how to spell your name, boy.

JOSHUA -- Then, I have just one request.

MOSES --- You name it.

JOSHUA -- When you hold your arms up tomorrow, stand down wind 
from me.

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