BACK GILGAL 4'2m0f Before entering the promised land: circumcision CALEB --- (PA speaker with echo) Good morning, children of Israel. Before I hand the microphone over to Joshua, I need to talk you one more time about manna from Heaven. I know some of you get tired of hearing this announcement every morning for forty years, but we have to cover it one more time. People! Manna from Heaven rots after one day. I'm sure I don't have to tell you about the smell. So, please, take only as much manna from heaven as your need to feed you and your family for one day. Okay, here's Joshua with what he says is a big announcement. JOSHUA -- (Except as noted, Joshua speaks into PA speaker with echo for the rest of the skit) Okay, thanks, Caleb. By now I'm sure everyone has heard that our two spies have returned from Jericho. They tell me that the people of Jericho are petrified of us. Fellow Hebrews, I am so excited about the prospect of FINALLY getting to conquer the promised land. CALEB --- (aside) So, ah, when DO we go into battle, Joshua? JOSHUA -- Okay, we have a question. The question is, "when to we leave"? The answer is we leave in one week. CALEB --- (aside) What are we waiting for? Why can't we leave today? JOSHUA -- Okay, so, we have another question. The question is, "Why not leave right away"? And the answer is, ah, well, ah, the Lord wants us to look real sharp when we conquer Jericho, so he wants all the men to be circumcised. CALEB --- (aside) Circum.... JOSHUA -- Circumcised. That's right. CALEB --- (aside) So, ah, what's that? A kind of hair cut? JOSHUA -- Our father's were circumcised. And all the Hebrew men since Abraham have been circumcised. But, when we were out in the desert for 40 years, we stopped circumcising our boy babies on the eighth day as prescribed by law. But, now the Lord wants us to resume our long standing tradition. So, now if all the men will line up over here... CALEB --- (aside) Wait a minute. Just exactly what are you going to cut? JOSHUA -- (aside) I can't say it up here in front of everybody. There are women and children listening. Here, let me whisper it in your ear. (whispers) Pssspsssppssss. CALEB --- (aside) No way! You're not going to cut mine off! JOSHUA -- Well, we don't cut it all off, just the (whispers) Pssspsssppssss. CALEB --- (aside) Oh. JOSHUA -- So, if all the men of Israel will just form a line right over here... CALEB --- (aside) So, where's the doctor? JOSHUA -- (aside) The doctor? CALEB --- (aside) The doctor who will be performing the circum.... JOSHUA -- (aside) Circumcision. Okay, we've had another question, by my good friend Caleb. The question was "where is the doctor who will perform the surgery"? And the answer is, there is no doctor. I'm going to do the circumcisions myself. CALEB --- (aside) You mean YOU are going to cut the you-know-what off my you-know-what? JOSHUA -- Gentlemen, I assure you that the surgery is quick and easy. You'll be all healed up in a week and then we'll be able to conquer.... CALEB --- (clears throat) JOSHUA -- (aside) What is it now, Caleb? CALEB --- (aside) You ever done this surgery before? JOSHUA -- Okay, so, we have another question. The question is, have I ever performed this surgery before? The answer is no, I have never performed this surgery before. But the Lord is with me. He'll show me what to do. Now, please, will all the men... CALEB --- (aside) Joshua. JOSHUA -- (aside) What is it? CALEB --- (aside) Where's your scalpel? JOSHUA -- Okay, so, I have another silly question, from the man who I thought was my friend. The question is, where is my scalpel. And the answer to this question is, I'm not going to use a scalpel to perform this surgery. I'm going to use a flint knife, as prescribed by the Lord. Now, if I've answered all your questions, gentlemen, please, just line up... CALEB --- (aside) Listen, I hate to bother you. JOSHUA -- What. CALEB --- (aside) So, you're going to perform the whatchamacallit... JOSHUA -- ...the circumcision... CALEB --- (aside) ...whatever. You actually think you're going to cut me with a sharpened stone? JOSHUA -- Okay, so, we have another stupid question. But it isn't really a question, but an admission of lack of faith. My former friend Caleb, here, who was brave enough to spy on the promised land and who was willing to face the giants in battle, is now afraid of a little pain. Do I have that right, Caleb, old buddy? CALEB --- (aside) Well, I, ah,... JOSHUA -- Well, are you a man or a mouse? CALEB --- (aside) Well, I, ah,... JOSHUA -- I can't hear your. Squeak up. CALEB --- (aside) Alright, it's no big deal. JOSHUA -- Gentlemen, I assure you, we Hebrews have been performing this ritual for thousands of years. So, now, I'm assuming that there are no more questions, which, for the most part, reveal a lack of faith, I will start the circumcisions beginning with Caleb here. CALEB --- (fading) Me? Listen, I just remembered, I have a dental appointment. JOSHUA -- (afar) Let's step over here behind this bush. This will only take a moment. CALEB --- (screams afar) JOSHUA -- (afar) There, that wasn't so bad, was it? (into PA) Well, now, if the men of Israel will just form a line... Hey, where did everybody go? ©2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use: Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it. Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances. You may reproduce and distribute this script freely, but all copies must contain this copyright statement. http://www.bobsnook.org email: [email protected] BACK |