BACK JOSHUA 3'2m0f Joshua's battle plans are a bit unorthodox (knock, knock, knock, door open) CAPTAIN -- You wanted to see me, General Joshua? JOSHUA --- Oh, yes, Captain. Please come in. Sit down. CAPTAIN -- Thank you, Sir. I assume this meeting is about the battle plans for our invasion of the promised land tomorrow, General. JOSHUA --- Yes, Captain, that's correct. As you know, the land that was promised to us through Abraham, Isaac and Jacob is now inhabited by seven different nations. CAPTAIN -- Uh huh. JOSHUA --- And we have to assume that they're not going to just up and move out just because we say the land belongs to us. These are some of the meanest, most violent pagans in the world, captain. CAPTAIN -- My men and I are looking forward to engaging the enemy, General Joshua. They're all just aching for a good fight. I assume our first objective will be the city of Jericho. Right, sir? JOSHUA --- That's is correct. CAPTAIN -- Well, our spies said it was a highly fortified city with an impenetrable wall. But if we lay siege to it, we should be able to wear them down and starve them out in six or eight weeks. JOSHUA --- Actually, Captain, the Lord told me that he would hand the city over to us in seven days. CAPTAIN -- Seven days! Alright! Well, I suppose I should get my men building ladders and siege works. JOSHUA --- That won't be necessary. CAPTAIN -- Then would you like me to draw up a perimeter security plan? Nothing gets in or out of the city. We cut off the supplies into the city and kill anyone who tries to leave. JOSHUA --- That won't be necessary either, Captain. CAPTAIN -- I don't understand. JOSHUA --- What the Lord had in mind was for us to march around the city once a day for six days in a row. Then, on the seventh day, we march around the city seven times. CAPTAIN -- Oh, I see! The psychological approach. Well, in that case, the men and I could sing some marching songs that will put fear into the hearts of those pagans. JOSHUA --- No songs. CAPTAIN -- Aw come on! JOSHUA --- The Lord, says we're to be completely silent for all the marches. CAPTAIN -- What kind of psychological warfare is that? JOSHUA --- Would you rather lay siege to Jericho and wait six or eighth weeks? CAPTAIN -- Alright, if the Lord says it'll work, who am I? But on the seventh day, my men will be champing at the bit to break down the gates and advance on the enemy. I'll get them started making battering rams. JOSHUA --- That won't be necessary, either. CAPTAIN -- Well, how do we get in to engage the enemy if we don't knock down the gates or build ladders? JOSHUA --- We shout. CAPTAIN -- Excuse me? JOSHUA --- I said, after the seventh march around the city on the seventh day, we all shout. CAPTAIN -- That's it? We yell at them?! You think you're going to nag them into opening the gates? JOSHUA --- Would you rather lay siege to the city and wait six or eight weeks? CAPTAIN -- Alright, General, I assume the Lord knows what he's doing. But those people are ruthless. They love to skin their captives alive and watch them squirm. Surely even HE can't expect the people like that to just give up in seven days. JOSHUA --- No. The walls of the city will fall down. CAPTAIN -- (laughs) Right. The strongest and thickest city walls in the world and they're just going to fall down when we shout at them. That's funny. (laughs, quits) You're not joking. JOSHUA --- If the Lord says it, it will happen. CAPTAIN -- You're serious. Well, I'd better brief my men. We should all be across the river in plenty of time for our first march around the city at noon tomorrow. JOSHUA --- Well, there was just one small operation we have to take care of first. CAPTAIN -- Operation? What operation? Oh, you mean, we have to knock out their sentry stations and sniper locations? JOSHUA --- No. The OPERATION I was referring to was a little less heroic. CAPTAIN -- Well, you name it, General. My men are prepared for anything. JOSHUA --- Circumcision. CAPTAIN -- Circumcision? JOSHUA --- Circumcision. CAPTAIN -- General Joshua, I thought I had read all the the books on military strategy. But I've never heard of circumcision. JOSHUA --- (fading) Come with me, then, Captain, you can be the first one. CAPTAIN -- (afar) The first what? (door close) (screams) (open door) JOSHUA --- Next. ©2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use: Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it. Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances. You may reproduce and distribute this script freely, but all copies must contain this copyright statement. http://www.bobsnook.org email: [email protected] BACK |