LIONSDEN 7'2m2f Daniel and the Lions' den

NATASHA -- (Romanian gypsy, shouts) KinG Belshassarrr is dead. 
LonG live KinG Darius, KinG of the Medes!

DARIUS --- (wimp) Thank you, Natasha.

NATASHA -- So, now that yourrr kinG, how about a cushy 
government job forrr me? Let's say top administrator?

DARIUS --- Oh, I'm sorry, Natasha, there are only three top 
administrator jobs and all three of those jobs are filled. 
Perhaps you'd settle for the job of satrap?

NATASHA -- Satrrrap!? Satrrrap sounds like a gadget that 
collects grease under my kitchen sink!

DARIUS --- I'm sorry, but with all three top administrators jobs 
filled, all I can offer you is satrap.

NATASHA -- So, just suppose that one of yourrr top 
administrratorrrs werrre to have an accident?

DARIUS --- Well, I suppose you'd be next in line for the job 
but, Daniel is doing such a great job as top administrator that 
I was thinking about putting him in charge of my whole kingdom 
and doing away with the other two jobs.

NATASHA -- Currrses, Daniel did it to me again.

DARIUS --- Excuse me?

NATASHA -- (fading) Nothing, your majesty, I'll see you later. 


(approaching) Miss Trueblood?

TAMMI ---- (soft spoken, teenager) Yes, mam, would you like me to 
take a letter, mam?

NATASHA -- No, I need to dig up some dirt on this new hot shot 
administrrratorrr named Daniel.

TAMMI ---- I'm afraid that would be impossible, mam. 

NATASHA -- Impossible?

TAMMI ---- Daniel's reputation in Babylon is impeccable. People 
have been trying to defame him for years, but, because he's 
devoted to the god of Israel, they could find neither corruption 
nor negligence in any of his dealings.

NATASHA -- Currrses! Foiled again! There must be somethinG we 
can do to get rrrid of this this, this...

TAMMI ---- Hunk? Isn't he gorgeous? All the girls in the steno 
pool voted him the man we'd most like to hang around the hanging 
gardens of Babylon with. But, he's so devoted to his god, the 
god of Israel, that he won't marry a Babylonian girl. He won't 
even go out with us.

NATASHA -- That's it!

TAMMI ---- That's what?

NATASHA -- The god of Isrrrael!

TAMMI ---- Oh, I already asked. He won't convert. He says he'll 
only marry a Hebrew girl.

NATASHA -- I'm not talkinG about that, silly girl, (fading) I'm 
talkinG about feedinG him to the lions.

TAMMI ---- That's now way to get a guy to marry you. Daaa. I'm 
only a secretary and I know that.

NATASHA -- (fading) Silly girl has no idea what office politics 
is all about. (approaching) Aaaah, King Darrrrius, just the man 
I wanted to see. (near) May I have just a moment of yourrr time?

DARIUS --- Why, yes, of course. 

NATASHA -- May you live forrreverrr, King Darrrius.

DARIUS --- Why, thank you, Natasha.

NATASHA -- Yourrr majesty, the otherrr satrrraps and I were all 
sayinG how perrrfect we thought you werrrre. We werrre thinkinG 
that perrrhaps it would be apprrroprrriate to worrrship you.

DARIUS --- Worship me? I'm flattered.

NATASHA -- In fact, we thought that it ought to be against the 
law to worrrship any other god but you. What do you think of 

DARIUS --- What a great idea.

NATASHA -- Then sign right here.

DARIUS --- What's this?

NATASHA -- This is your official decree that says anyone caught 
worrrshipping any otherrr god within the next thirrrty days will 
be thrrrown into the lions' den.

TAMMI ---- (afar) Oh, dear. I'd better hurry and tell Daniel 
about this. (fast foot steps, knock, knock, knock, door opens)

DANIEL --- Miss Trueblood, what are you doing here. Oh, if 
you're here about...

TAMMI ---- ...Oh, it's not about marriage, Daniel, but maybe 
when you hear my news, you might want to change yor mind.

DANIEL --- What news?

TAMMI ---- King Darius has just signed a decree making it 
illegal to worship any god other than himself. Now, will you 
marry me?

DANIEL --- I would sooner die than that.

TAMMI ---- Well, thanks a lot.

DANIEL --- No, I'm not talking about you.... I'm not talking 
about.... Oh, nevermind. (fading) I need guidance. I must get 
down on my knees and ask my god, the god of Israel for guidance. 
Please excuse me.

TAMMI ---- (footsteps, fading) Sure, just push away the only 
woman who could really love you.

DANIEL --- (afar) Can you close the door, please. Oh, nevermind.

NATASHA -- (approaching) Rrright this Vay, KinG Darrrius.

DARIUS --- (approaching) You still haven't told me what I'm 
doing here. Say, this is Daniel's house, isn't it?

NATASHA -- (near) Yes, it is. Ahha! Look at that!

DARIUS --- (near) Oh, dear. What's Daniel doing on his hands and 

NATASHA -- Obviously, he's VorrrshippinG another god. Vat morrre 
prrroof do you need?

DARIUS --- Well, maybe he's looking for a contact lens.

NATASHA -- Contact lenses haven't been invented yet.

DARIUS --- Oh. Ah, Daniel, what are you doing on your hands and 

DANIEL --- (afar) I'm worshipping my Lord, the God of Israel.

NATASHA -- Ahha! Therrre, you see? I told you so. I guess it's 
off to zee lion's den weeth heem, heh, Darrrius, baby?

DANIEL --- But he's my top administrator. I was going put him in 
charge of my entire kingdom. I can't throw him into the lions' 

NATASHA -- Oh, no, you don't HAVE to. You COULD be known as the 
kinG whose word isn't worth a plugged rrrubel.

DARIUS --- Alright, then, throw him to the lions'. (footsteps, 
fading) And now I think I'm going to be sick. (vomits afar)

(transition music)

NATASHA -- Good morrrninG, KinG Darrrius. Did you sleep vell?

DARIUS --- You know very well, I didn't sleep a wink. How could 
I let you trick me into throwing my top administrator to the 

NATASHA -- Vile ve're on the subject of top administrrratorrr, 
yourrr excellency, vee should talk about my new job.

DARIUS --- Not now. I have to see if there is anything left of 
Daniel after a night in the lions' den. (shouts) Guards, open 
the lions' den. (sliding rock, gasp) Daniel!

DANIEL --- Hello, my king.

DARIUS --- Daniel, there's not so much as a scratch on you!

NATASHA -- Vell, I'll be dipped in icky stuff!

DARIUS --- How did you survive?

DANIEL --- It was my god the God of Israel who saved me.

DARIUS --- Then, I will worship your god as well, and so shall 
all of my kingdom.

NATASHA -- So, I suppose that now vould not be a good time to 
negotiate my new contrrract?

DARIUS --- No. But now would be a good time to feed the lions.

NATASHA -- You vouldn't!

DARIUS --- I Vould. Take her away.

NATASHA -- (fading) I'll vork cheap. Okay, I'll keep my old job. 

(rock sliding, fading) 

Ve can vork somesinG out, can't ve? 


TAMMI ---- Oh, Daniel, my hero! You survived the lions' den! Now 
will you marry me?

DANIEL --- (fading) Oh, gee, look at the time. I've got a 
kingdom to run. 

(fast footsteps)

TAMMI ---- (fading) Daniel, where are you going, my love? I 
wanted to tell you about the wedding plans. Daniel.

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