BACK MYSISTER 9'3m0f A private-I finds Sarai is not Abe's sister (knock, knock, knock) PHAR -- (muffled, cough, cough) Come in. (cough) (open door) SAM --- (brooklyn accent) You wanted to see me, Pharaoh? PHAR -- (hoarse) Yes, my whole family is sick. We never get sick. SAM --- I'm afraid your staff brought you da wrong guy, boss. See, I ain't a doctor. I'm a private investigator. My name is Spade, Sam Spade. I'm sure you heard of me. PHAR -- No, I haven't. SAM --- Oh. PHAR -- But I needed a private-I and you were the only one who wasn't booked. SAM --- Say, listen, I can explain that. I... PHAR -- I want you to find out who is making us sick. SAM --- Oh, so you think somebody is slippin' somethin' into your goblet, huh? PHAR -- Well, I doubt that that's how he's doing it, but... SAM --- (fading) I catch your drift, Pharaoh, baby. You can count on me. (door close) (near) So, that was my first encounter with the king of Egypt. This was going to be a cush job. That Pharaoh didn't even ask how much I charge per day, which for me is an invitation for a temporary fee increase. Anyways, my first stop was the palace kitchen, where I watched them cooks like a hawk all day long, real close, you know, like flies on a pile of manure. But they didn't do nothin' suspicious. (knock, knock, knock) PHAR -- (muffled, cough, cough) Come in. (cough) (door open) PHAR -- What are you doing back here already. I thought you were supposed to be investigating my family's illness. SAM --- Yeah, and that's what I'm doin'. I followed the food preparation all the way from the kitchen until they brought it up here to yous. And there is nothin' suspicious to report so far. PHAR -- Well, I could have saved you the time and trouble. I have a taster. SAM --- A what? PHAR -- A taster, someone who tastes my food before I eat. If someone was poisoning my food, he would be sick too, but as you can see for yourself he's perfectly healthy. SAM --- (afar) Oh. see ya. (door close) (near) We detectives have a duty to track down all available leads. But some leads take you down a dead end alley. So, it's on to da next lead. (open door) Oh, by the way, your Pharaohship, when did you start gettin' sick? PHAR -- The day I married my 300th wife. SAM --- Ahha! PHAR -- What. SAM --- Nothin'. I just think a detective should do that once in every story. See ya. (door close) Now we was onto somethin'. But the only question was: what were we onto? (door open) Excuse me just one more time, your sickness. PHAR -- Yes, what is it? SAM --- What's the name of your 300th wife? PHAR -- Her name is Sarai. And now that you mention it, she's the only one of my wives who hasn't gotten sick. SAM --- Ahha! PHAR -- What. SAM --- Nothin'. See ya (door close, door open) Hi, it's me again. PHAR -- What is it now? SAM --- Who can give me some information about this babe, Sarai. PHAR -- Here brother, Abram is living in the outskirts of town. SAM --- Thanks. See ya. (door close, door open) PHAR -- What is it. SAM --- Which direction? PHAR -- East. SAM --- Thanks. See ya (door close) (aside) In my customary efficient manner, I extracted all the pertinent information from my client and headed to the east side of town. (aloud) Excuse me, can you tell me where I might find a dude named Abram? ABE -- (old man) I'm Abram. What can I help you with? SAM --- My sharp ear for foreign accents tells me you're not from around here. ABE -- Why, no I'm from Ur. SAM --- Ur what? ABE -- Just Ur. That's the name of the city. Ur. We moved from Ur to Canaan. Then, when there was a famine in Canaan, we moved here to Egypt. SAM --- We? Who's we? ABE -- My wife and I. I mean my sister and I. SAM --- Yeah, say, this sister of yours, she's the one I wanted to talk to you about. ABE -- I'll be glad to answer any questions you may have. SAM --- I think she may be connected to the sickness in the palace. ABE -- My Sarai?! Is she sick? SAM --- Naw, SHE ain't sick, but she's the only one in Pharaoh's family who ain't. What can you tell me about it. ABE -- Nothing. SAM --- Ahha! ABE -- Alright, I'll tell you. I'll tell you everything. SAM --- (aside) See, sometimes it works. ABE -- What? SAM --- Ah, nothin'. I wasn't talkin' to you. I was talkin' to them. ABE -- Them? There's noone else here? SAM --- Nevermind. It's a little hard to explain. Alright, fella, spill the beans or I'll turn you over to Pharaoh. ABE -- Alright. I'll tell you. Sarai is not my sister. She's my wife. The reason Pharaoh is sick is because he married my wife. SAM --- She's THAT ugly, huh? ABE -- No, you don't understand. She's very beautiful. I was afraid that if Pharaoh thought she was my wife he'd kill me so he could have her. So, I lied and said she was my sister. SAM --- Ahha! ABE -- What was that for? SAM --- I don't know. It worked once. I figured I'd give it another try. ABE -- Please don't tell Pharaoh I lied. He'll kill me for sure. SAM --- Well, I might cover for you, if you tell me why your wife is making Pharaoh's whole family sick. ABE -- Oh, it's not Sarai who's doing that. SAM --- Who is it then? ABE -- It's my God. SAM --- Right. And pro wrestling is legit. ABE -- I'm telling the truth. My God vowed to me some time ago that he would bless those who bless me and curse those who curse me. SAM --- Well, Pharaoh will never swallow a story like that. I'll make something up. Meanwhile, pack your bags. I want you out of here the moment she gets back here. ABE -- Well, I've heard that the famine in Canaan is over. Perhaps I'll take her back home. SAM --- On my way back to the palace I came up with a story. Well, two stories, actually. The first one would explain how the babe caused the sickness and the second, why I my fee is so high. (knock, knock, knock) PHAR -- (muffled, cough, cough) Come in. (cough) (open door) SAM --- Hiya, Pharaoh, baby. I solved your case for you. PHAR -- Sarai lied and the God of Abraham took revenge on me for marrying his wife. SAM --- And you believe that drivel?! PHAR -- Yes, so here's a check for one day's fee at your advertised hourly rate. SAM --- Oh, man! PHAR -- What's the matter? SAM --- This is all I get? PHAR -- Well, as I see it, you're lucky to get that. I solved the case before you did. You didn't even talk to Sarai and she was in the next room. SAM --- Ahha! PHAR -- What was that for? SAM --- I knew I forgot somethin'! PHAR -- Get out. SAM --- I'm goin', I'm goin'. (door close) (aside) I wish I could tell you that this was the end of the story. But it wasn't. A few years later, when my business was slippin' a little, I heard that business was boomin' in Canaan. So, I picked up and moved there. Well, I no sooner hung out my shingle, then I got a call from the king's palace. It was deja vu all over again. (knock, knock, knock) KING -- (muffled, cough, cough) Come in. (cough) (door open) You wanted to see me, King Abim... King Abim.... KING -- That's Abimelech. SAM --- Whatever. What can I help you with. KING -- None of my wives can have babies, not even my servants' wives can have babies. SAM --- I'm afraid your staff brought you da wrong guy, boss. See, I ain't a doctor. I'm a private investigator. Now if one of your 100 wives is cheating on you, then I'm the man to hire. KING -- No, you don't understand. My wives were having babies left and right. Then, all of a sudden, it stopped. SAM --- Until you unmarried some guys sister, right? KING -- How did you know? SAM --- (aside) I could just smell a fat fee from this king. That bum Abram had done it to his wife again and I was gonna cash in on it. I figure I'd track him down and threaten to blow his cover, he takes it on the lam and I collect an exorbitant fee. But this time, I was smart. I asked for the money up front. KING -- Excuse me, who are you talking to? SAM --- Oh, I'm talking to them. KING -- Them? SAM --- It's a little hard to explain. Nevermind. Listen, I'll take the case, but it'll cost you 10 talents, in advance. KING -- Ten talents. That's outrageous! SAM --- Okay, five. KING -- Five talents! SAM --- Okay, one talent, but that's my final offer. KING -- Alright. Just get rid of this curse. SAM --- Okay, where's my money. KING -- You'll get your money AFTER the curse is gone. SAM --- Oh, man! Okay, okay, where do I find this babe named Sarai? KING -- Sarai? I don't know any woman named Sarai. SAM --- Oh, oh. KING -- What's the matter? SAM --- I thought I had a slam dunk here. Can we renegotiate my fee? KING -- Get out of here and don't come back until the curse is gone! SAM --- (afar) Alright, king, baby, don't get your shorts in a bunch. (door close) I looked in the Canaan phone book for that Abram guy. And what do you think? Nada. I couldn't figure it. It was the same M.O. as in Egypt, but I couldn't find either of the perps. Then it hit me. They're using aliases. I sniffed around town for rich guys with a foreign accent. Sure enough, Abram was now going under the alias of Abraham. Can you dig it? Abraham means father of nations. The guy didn't have a single kid. Go figure. Anyways, I drove to his house. (knock, knock, door open) ABE --- Yes? Oh, it's you. I'm sorry, I have something on the stove. (door close, door open) SAM --- Not so fast, Aby Baby. ABE --- What do you want? SAM --- You're pulling the same scam here that you pulled in Egypt. ABE --- It's not my fault. My wife is very beautiful. I thought the king would kill me to get her. So, I lied and let him have her. SAM --- Save your sob story, buddy. You're gonna fess up to the king. I'm not covering for you this time. ABE --- The king will kill me. SAM --- Naw, he won't lay a glove on you. Your little scam caused all his wives to become sterile. He'll think you have some kind of power over him. He'll be glad to get rid of you. Now get going. (aside) We drove to the palace. Sarai, alias, Sarah was standing by the curb with her suitcases packed. Abraham wanted to get all mushy with his wife, but I dragged him right past her into the palace. (door open) Hiya, king, baby, I brought you the culprit. KING -- Oh, yes, Abraham, here is 1000 talents. Please remove the curse and leave town. You are welcome to build your house anywhere in the country free of charge. SAM --- 1000 talents?! KING -- I'm sorry for any inconvenience I may have cause you, Abraham. SAM --- Now there is just the matter of MY fee. Let's see was that 10 talents? KING -- Oh, yes, here's 5 drachmas. SAM --- 5 drachmas?! We agreed on a talent. KING -- I solved the case myself, while you were out galavanting around. The 5 drachmas will cover your gas mileage. Now, get out. (door close SAM --- (aside) So, that's it. Abraham walks away with an apology and a fortune in silver, but I get gas money. Who said life is fair. ABE --- Excuse me. Who are you talking to? SAM --- You wouldn't understand. Š2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use: Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it. Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances. You may reproduce and distribute this script freely, but all copies must contain this copyright statement. http://www.bobsnook.org email: [email protected] BACK