BACK EDITORIA 9'1m1f Editorials evaluate the pastor's sermons ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey. THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you mumble. ANNOUNCER -- You're on. THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it down, word for word. (paper noise) ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can see the paper. THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I? ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor... THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said and I quote: "And this is the testimony. God has given us eternal LICE." Now what kind of heresy is that? I can tell you unequivocally, I am a Christian and I do not have lice. Okay, so I had lice when I was in second grade. But that was well before I became a Christian. And I know lots of Christians who have never had lice. Besides, being a Christian produces peace and joy and love. Those are all rewards for those who love Jesus. What kind of reward is LICE?! Like, "Hi, welcome to heaven. Here are your eternal lice. They will eat your skin and cause you to itch FOREVER?!" What kind of a reward is that? Why, even people in the secular world don't reward people like that! Can't you just see it?, "And now the Academy award for best director goes to Steven Spielberg. And and now, Steven, here's your lice?" What is that?! Visualize this: "The Ronald Reagan, new president of the United States, who won the election by a landslide, will now take the oath of office and then a thousand lice will be dropped into his shorts?" What is this heresy I'm hearing?! ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "God has given us eternal LIFE". LIFE with and F, as in Fred. THELMA -- Oh, so, we won't have to itch and scratch forever? ANNOUNCER -- No. THELMA -- Nevermind. ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey. THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you mumble. ANNOUNCER -- You're on. THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it down, word for word. (paper noise) ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can see the paper. THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I? ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor... THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said and I quote: No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand IN YOUR UNDERWEAR. Ladies and gentlemen, I am outraged! The mere suggestion that God would resolve our temptation by making us stand in our underwear is preposterous! If you're a mother and you take your kids to the mall and they ask you, "Please, please, please, Mommy, can I have a Mrs Field's cookie?!" Do you tell your kids "Temptation has really seized you. Now, stand in your underwear"? I think not. If you go to a weight watchers meeting and some guy weighs in with a 2 pound weight loss, but says "I was really tempted when I went by a T.J. Cinnamons the other day." Do you say, "Alright, buddy, temptation has really seized you. Out to the parking lot and stand in your underwear"?! I think not. ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." Meaning you can stand up under the temptation. THELMA -- So, I don't have to go out and replace my holey underwear? ANNOUNCER -- No. THELMA -- Nevermind. ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey. THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you mumble. ANNOUNCER -- You're on. THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it down, word for word. (paper noise) ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can see the paper. THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I? ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor... THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said and I quote: "If we confess our sins, he is faith and just and will forgive us our sins and PUREE us." Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you. Does this sound like the gracious and merciful God you know? Does the same God who forgives sin put the sinner in a blender and turn it on at top speed, turning the sinner into moosh? I think not. I personally have never been in a Catholic church whose confessional had built-in stainless steel blades. Ladies and gentlemen, of all the heresies that our pastor has foisted upon his congregation, this is the most ridiculous. The Lord our God is a merciful father. Can you imagine a father who, after his own beloved daughter comes up to him and says, "Daddy, I wet my bed." and he says, "Oh, That's okay, my little princess" Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I ask you, how many of us sinners to you think there would be left in this world if, when we confessed our sins, the Lord PUREEd us? ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "He will forgive us our sins and PURIFY us." THELMA -- So, I don't have to worry about being PUREEd or Frapeed? ANNOUNCER -- No. THELMA -- Nevermind. ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey. THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you mumble. ANNOUNCER -- You're on. THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it down, word for word. (paper noise) ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can see the paper. THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I? ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor... THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said and I quote: "Do not let this GOOP of the law depart from your mouth. MEDICATE on it day and night." I ask you , Ladies and Gentlemen, is our pastor advocating drug addiction? What is this medication that our beloved pastor is advocating that we scarf down day and night. GOOP? What is GOOP. Is this a veiled reference to manna from heaven? Are we as New Testament Christians expected to cook up a batch of manna that only appeared in the desert for the Hebrews thousands of years ago? Or is this GOOP of the law really some confiscated drugs that dirty homeless drug junkies shoot up? Are we supposed shoot up too? Is that what our beloved pastor is trying to ram down our collective throats. Or are we supposed to go to the the doctor and ask for a prescription from some miracle drug call GOOP? If we are not supposed to let this GOOP depart from our mouths, how is this miracle drug supposed to take effect? And even if the medication some how takes effect, whatever happened to faith healing? What heresy is this that our pastor is trying to force upon our congregation?! ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "Do not let this BOOK of the law depart from your mouth. MEDITATE on it day and night." THELMA -- So, there's nothing to shoot up or eat? ANNOUNCER -- No. THELMA -- Nevermind. ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey. THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you mumble. ANNOUNCER -- You're on. THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it down, word for word. (paper noise) ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can see the paper. THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I? ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor... THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said and I quote: "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is INTERNAL STRIFE in Christ Jesus our Lord." Internal strife?! What nonsense is this?! Now, I ask you, if Jesus is the Prince of Peace, is he going to give anybody the gift of internal strife? I have never been so offended in my whole life! Look, look at Galatians 5:22. It says "but the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and faithfulness". Let me repeat that. "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and faithfulness" Did you hear anything in there about internal strife? What kind of drivel is our pastor trying to foist on us this week?! INTERNAL STRIFE?! Maybe the pastor is saying that the way you know your country is mostly Christian is that it is embroiled in civil war. INTERNAL STRIFE?! The next thing our pastor will be selling is that the gift of God is a peptic ulcer or a spastic colon. Are we to believe that the mark of a Christian can only be witnessed by sigmoid proctoscopy? ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "...the gift of God is ETERNAL LIFE." THELMA -- So, I don't need Maalox? ANNOUNCER -- No. THELMA -- Nevermind. ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey. THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you mumble. ANNOUNCER -- You're on. THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it down, word for word. (paper noise) ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can see the paper. THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I? ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor... THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said and I quote: "Just as man is destined to TAIWAN and after that to face judgement." Ladies and gentlemen, I think our pastor has finally gone round the bend. He's over the hill. Are we to believe that we will face judgement if we fly over to TAIWAN? What could possibly be so bad about Taiwan that we will face judgement by going there? Does this mean that I can't wear my T-shirt that was made in Taiwan? Do I have to take away all the toys my children play with that were made in Taiwan? This statement smacks of racism. If our pastor condemns Taiwan today, will he be condemning mainland China tomorrow. Can Japan bashing and Korea bashing be far behind. Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you, can we allow our pastor, who obviously has a political agenda, attack one of America's allies from the pulpit? I think not. I am convinced that the best way for evil to succeed is for good men to do nothing. Therefore, I will be the first one in line at the ticket counter tomorrow to buy an airplane ticket to Taiwan. Will I face judgement? I think not. ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "Just as man is destined to DIE ONCE and after that to face judgement." THELMA -- So, there's no problem if I wear my T-shirt with the "made in Taiwan" label? ANNOUNCER -- No. THELMA -- Nevermind. ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey. THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you mumble. ANNOUNCER -- You're on. THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it down, word for word. (paper noise) ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can see the paper. THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I? ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor... THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said and I quote: "Yet to all who received him, to those who believed HE'S INSANE, he gave the right to become the children of God." Look who's calling the kettle black. There are those of us who believe that our pastor has lost it. Can there be any doubt now? Our pastor is now saying that in order to be a Christian, you have to believe that our Lord is a raving lunatic. What is this?! Okay, Okay, so maybe Jesus did some things that seemed a little nuts, like touching dirty ugly people with leprosy.... Yuk. And that parable of the ten brides? What is that? I mean, a guy would have to be a real stud to marry ten brides at once. But, I digress. My point is that Jesus is God and he's allowed to be a little accentric if he wants to. Doesn't he? But, INSANE? I resemble that remark. To call the creator of the universe INSANE is going a little far. And I think we should look around for another pastor before he.... ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "Yet to all who received him, to those who believed IN HIS NAME, he gave the right to become the children of God." THELMA -- So, he's not insane? ANNOUNCER -- No. THELMA -- Nevermind. ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey. THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you mumble. ANNOUNCER -- You're on. THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it down, word for word. (paper noise) ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can see the paper. THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I? ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor... THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said and I quote: "For we do not preach ourselves but Jesus Christ as Lord and ourselves as your hermits for Jesus' sake." HERMITS?! What, are we supposed to be recluses now? Does this mean the new order of the day is "every man for himself"? What balderdash! This is just one more example of our pastor's slipshod way of dispensing ad hoc theology and it's got to stop! Would he have us each check into a cloistered monastery and not say another word for decades? Who would preach the gospel to the hungry masses? I, for one, am not heading for the hills. I will stand here and fight to the last, until this heresy is exposed for what it really is! Ladies and gentlemen, do not take this lightly. Our pastor would have us isolate ourselves from all others and become HERMITS for Jesus' sake. I am asking you to sign a petition to have this mad man removed before he.... ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was ""For we do not preach ourselves but Jesus Christ as Lord and ourselves as your SERVANTS for Jesus' sake." THELMA -- Servants? Not Hermits? ANNOUNCER -- Servants. That's right. THELMA -- Oh. Nevermind. ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey. THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you mumble. ANNOUNCER -- You're on. THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it down, word for word. (paper noise) ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can see the paper. THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I? ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor... THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said and I quote: "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (pause) Well, what do you think of that? ANNOUNCER -- Think of what? That's exactly what it says in the Bible. THELMA -- Ladies and gentlemen, can you see how pervasive this attack is on the Bible? Our pastor is even fooling our announcer now. ANNOUNCER -- What do you mean he FOOLing me? THELMA -- Alright, Mr Smarty pants, Okay, so if Jesus really said this... if he really said "Shirley I will be with you always." What about the rest of us? ANNOUNCER -- What are you talking about?! THELMA -- Okay, okay, suppose for just a minute, that Jesus really said, "Shirley I will be with you always." Who is this person named Shirley? Is Jesus talking about just one person named Shirley or is he saying that he will only be with people whose name is Shirley? First of all, I looked it up in a concordance. I found a woman named Ruth and another named Esther. I even found a woman named Priscilla. But I couldn't find a single occurrence of the name Shirley. But, regardless, why would Jesus say that he would ONLY be with women? That is preposterous! It's just another example of our pastor playing fast and loss with the Bible. It's time we find ourselves another pastor. ANNOUNCER -- Wait. Wait just a minute. THELMA -- Do you mind? I'm doing an editorial here. ANNOUNCER -- Listen. Just listen. Matthew 28:19 and 20 says "SURELY I will be with you always". Not "Shirley I will be with you always. It's an adverb, not a proper name. THELMA -- Oh, Nevermind. ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey. THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you mumble. ANNOUNCER -- You're on. THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it down, word for word. (paper noise) ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can see the paper. THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I? ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor... THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said and I quote: "Young men in the same way be SUBMERSIVE to those who are older. Clothe yourselves with HUMIDITY." Is our pastor now suggesting that we replace our church service with a pool party or a water balloon fight? Would our pastor dare to suggest that the young men in our church hose down the older men? What kind of an example would that be for our children, to watch the adults push each other into the pool. What is the matter with this church? Has our church canon been replace by cannon balls and water canons? What can we expect next? Will we be baptizing new believers with squirt guns and fire hoses? Has our pastor lost complete control of his senses? Hasn't it always been a tradition of the church for the older men to baptize the younger men? I suppose if our pastor had his way, we'd be sending the teenaged boys to seminary and the older men to summer camp. Ladies and gentlemen, this heresy has to stop. This idea of making our older men SUBMERSIVE is not only foolish, it could be dangerous. What if the old men can't swim? And the idea of clothing yourselves with HUMIDITY is absurd at a time when our water resources are scarce. ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "Young men in the same way be SUBMISSIVE to those who are older. Clothe yourselves with HUMILITY." THELMA -- So, I won't have to wear my bathing suit to church? ANNOUNCER -- No. THELMA -- Nevermind. ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey. THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you mumble. ANNOUNCER -- You're on. THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it down, word for word. (paper noise) ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can see the paper. THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I? ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor... THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said and I quote: "But among you there must not be even a hint of TEXTUAL ABNORMALITY." Well, Mr Smartypants Pastor, I have only three things to say about that, "Picky, picky, picky." Our pastor, instead of concentrating on the essentials of the faith is now side-tracked on TEXTUAL ABNORMALITY: misprints. Talk about majoring on the minors, instead of talking about such important topics as confession or prayer or grace, our pastor talks about such trivial topics as spelling errors. Will I lose my salvation if I use a colon instead of a semicolon? Will I burn in the lake of fire for using the wrong verb tense? Am I destined for eternal separation from the Lord if I forget a comma? I think not. Alright, so maybe it's pretty important to copy manuscripts of the Bible accurately. After all, they ARE inspired by God himself. But if I write a love letter to my honey and sign it with X's and O's instead of hugs and kisses, will I be damned to hell? I think not. Why, the mere idea that our pastor wastes time on trivia like TEXTUAL ABNORMALITY turns my stomach. ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "But among you there must not be even a hint of SEXUAL IMMORALITY." THELMA -- Oh, so, punctuation errors aren't fatal, eh? ANNOUNCER -- No. THELMA -- Nevermind. ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey. THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you mumble. ANNOUNCER -- You're on. THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it down, word for word. (paper noise) ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can see the paper. THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I? ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor... THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said and I quote: "I can do everything through him who gives me STRING." What drivel! What non-sense! What poppycock! Ladies and gentlemen, I have heard some stupid sermons in my life. But this one takes the cake. What he's saying is that if I want to do something for the Lord, I have to find someone who will give me STRING. Well, Mr Smartypants Pastor, how about a balloon vendor? He gives me string. Can I do everything through him? Have you seen some of the puny people who sell balloons? How long do you think they'd last in Africa preaching to the natives? I once knew a little old lady, must have been a hundred and three years old. She saved STRING all her life. Every time she got a package in the mail, she'd carefully snip off the string and wind it onto this big ball of string. By the time she died, that ball of string must have been two feet in diameter. Every time I went over to her house I always said, I said, "Mabel, that sure is a mighty nice ball off string you got there." And you know what she did? She remembered that I liked that ball of string. And when she died, she had it in her will that I should inherit that big ball of string. Now, why am I telling you this story? It's to prove a point. If I can do everything through him who gives me STRING, then I should have been able to work miracles through that little old lady. But did I? No, I did not. Why? Because she's dead. ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "I can do everything through him who gives me STRENGTH." He was talking about Jesus. THELMA -- Oh, so I don't have to go fly a kite? ANNOUNCER -- No. THELMA -- Nevermind. ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey. THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you mumble. ANNOUNCER -- You're on. THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it down, word for word. (paper noise) ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can see the paper. THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I? ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor... THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said and I quote: "And my God will KNEAD all you MEATS." Ladies and gentlemen, what kind of stupid conclusion is this? Where is it mentioned in the Bible that God will tenderized you meats? I looked in my concordance under tenderizing, kneading, and even beating. Nothing. Nada. Zero. Zilch. Zip. Wherever meat is mentioned in the Bible there is never mention of beating it, tenderizing it or kneading it. Now, if our pastor wants to justify buying a cheap cut of meat and beating on until it's tender, let him do it. But, why is he wasting our time on Sunday morning on such a narrow and stupid topic? The next thing we'll be hearing about on Sunday morning is Biblical barbeque techniques. Or how about this one? Let's get controversial. Should we salt the meat before or after we turn it? Or maybe we should have equal time sermons for those in our congregation who are vegetarians. How about a sermon on the many serving suggestions of tofu? How ridiculous can you get?! Who cares? If our pastor wants to knead his steaks before he cooks them, I for one don't care to hear about it. But it is utterly ridiculous to think that God himself will KNEAD all your MEATS. ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "And God will MEET all your NEEDS." THELMA -- Oh, so, he probably won't be talking about tofu either? ANNOUNCER -- No. THELMA -- Nevermind. ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey. THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you mumble. ANNOUNCER -- You're on. THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it down, word for word. (paper noise) ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can see the paper. THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I? ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor... THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said and I quote: "Because he himself suffered when he was TENTED, he is able to help those who are being TENTED." Ladies and gentlemen, I have seen some ridiculous sermons topics in my life, but this wins the prize. I read through all four of the gospels, Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, and I could not find a single passage in the Bible that supports our pastor's contention that Jesus was ever in a tent. So, what is our pastor basing his sermon on? The Koran? Okay, Okay, let's assume that some non-biblical historian somehow alluded to Jesus in a tent. And, granted, a lot of people in Jesus' day lived in tents. But hardly anybody in the world today to lives in tents. So, why waste a perfectly good sermon on tents. Am I missing something here? Or is our pastor underhandedly promoting camping? In that case, what's next? A sermon about a weiny roasts? How about one on somemores? How about a sermon on digging latrines? If this all sounds a little ridiculous to you, I urge you to write or call your pastor and tell him that you don't care to hear about those who are being tented. ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "Because he himself suffered when he was TEMPTED, he is able to help those who are being TEMPTED". THELMA -- TEMPTED not tented? ANNOUNCER -- That's correct. THELMA -- Oh, so, so I don't have to buy a back pack? ANNOUNCER -- No. THELMA -- Nevermind. ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey. THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you mumble. ANNOUNCER -- You're on. THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it down, word for word. (paper noise) ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can see the paper. THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I? ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor... THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said and I quote: "Therefore there is now no COMMENDATION for those who are in Christ Jesus." Well, I have just one thing to say to our pastor. (Raspberry) If he doesn't think there is any COMMENDATION for those who are in Christ Jesus, then exactly what is it when our names are entered into the Book of Life? If that's not COMMENDATION, what is? What is our pastor looking for? Does he want his name on a theater marquee? "Now playing in heaven, Pastor Big Mouth." Or maybe he rather have his name in six foot high letters dragging behind one of those little piper cubs over the football stadium. I can envision it now. "Pastor Wind Bag has been saved." Or maybe he'd rather have his name flashed from the flashcard section at half-time. "Yay, Pastor Heresy. Go Pastor Hot Shot." Or maybe he'd rather have his name on TV. Yeah, that's it. "And now here's the five day forecast. Late night and early morning clouds along the coast. Clearing before noon. And Pastor Big Shot will finally make it into heaven." For crying out loud! How much more COMMENDATION does our ding bat pastor want, anyway? ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "Therefore there is now no CONDEMNATION for those who are in Christ Jesus." THELMA -- Oh, so, I don't need my pom poms? ANNOUNCER -- No. THELMA -- Nevermind. ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey. THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you mumble. ANNOUNCER -- You're on. THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it down, word for word. (paper noise) ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can see the paper. THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I? ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor... THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said and I quote: "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with FOOD." Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you, what kind of garbage is our pastor feeding us now? Is this a new theology? Is our pastor saying that if someone wrongs us, we're supposed to give him a TWINKY? If I'm at a party and the pastor's wife comes up to me and asks me if I've put on weight, am I supposed to offer her a piece of chocolate cheese cake? Where is that to be found in the Bible? I ask you. Let's suppose for a second that your church gives a banquet and the Pastor's wife, who is supposed to read off a complete list of the names of all the people who cooked and served the food for the banquet. And suppose the pastor's wife just happens to mention everybody's name except yours and you worked harder than anybody else on the banquet committee. Can you think of anything more evil than that? Now, what am I supposed to do with a thoughtless, evil woman like that? Am I supposed to offer her a plate of lasagne as if nothing happened? And just because his wife is an evil, vile woman, our pastor is now telling us to overcome evil with FOOD. ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with GOOD." THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Nevermind. ANNOUNCER -- And that's our "Editorial of the Air" for.... THELMA -- Thoughtless, evil woman.... ANNOUNCER -- I believe the quote was "overcome evil with GOOD." THELMA -- Stick it in your ear, bub. She can get her own lasagne. ANNOUNCER -- Good night, everybody. ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey. THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you mumble. ANNOUNCER -- You're on. THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it down, word for word. (paper noise) ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can see the paper. THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I? ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor... THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said and I quote: "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will HEAR NO EAGLES." Well, ladies and gentlemen, I think our pastor's own words have finally condemned him. If YOU are walking through the valley of the the shadow of death are you going to worry about a handful of birds? What kind of nonsense is this? Our pastor is worried about EAGLES? Why EAGLES? Has our pastor finally lost his grip on the gospel and wandered into the arena of endangered species? Has he finally gone around the bend and joined those left-wing environmentalist wackos, who wear a crown of daisies on their heads and dance in circles and sing, (sings) "I'd like to sing the world a song and sing in harmony." They make me sick! They're all decadent, new age, pantheistic pagans.... tree hugging communist pinkos! And our pastor has lowered himself into their slimy pit. And why? Was it for the cause of saving lost souls? No! It was over a handful of mangey, stinking birds. EAGLES. I will HEAR NO EAGLES. Can you believe it?! ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will FEAR no EVIL." THELMA -- EVIL? EVIL doesn't have any feathers. ANNOUNCER -- No. THELMA -- Nevermind. ©2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use: Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it. Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances. You may reproduce and distribute this script freely, but all copies must contain this copyright statement. http://www.bobsnook.org email: [email protected] BACK |