ENVY     5'1m1f Cub reporter interviews Envy and Jealousy

(static, pop, pop, static) 

EDDY -- (teenager, afar) Okay, I think that'll do it. (near) 
Testing, one, two, three, testing. Okay, I think I'm on the air, 
so here goes. Hi, I'm Eddy and I, like, I broke into this 
broadcast to do an interview. See, my old boss fired me before I 
could really prove myself as a reporter. See, and once they fire 
you, noone will hire you. So, that's why I, like, broke into 
this broadcast. So, if you like this interview, hire me, because 
I'm, like, available. Okay, so, I'd better hurry and finish this 
interview before they find out how I broke into the broadcast. 
Okay, so, I'm Eddy and I'm about to interview two identical 
twins named Envy and Jealousy. So, ah, what's your name, please?

ENVY -- My name is Envy.

EDDY -- See, I knew your name already, but I hadda ask you that 
cuz that's what reporters do. Anyways, where was I? Oh, yeah, 
your name is Envy. Ah. Where's your sister? You promised to 
bring your identical twin sister.

ENVY -- Jealousy? Oh, she wouldn't come.

EDDY -- Oh, man! I broke into this broadcast and everything! 
Okay, okay, no problem. A good reporter always makes the best 
of, like, the worst circumstances. So, tell me, Envy, why 
wouldn't your sister Jealousy come to the interview.

ENVY -- Because she's a jerk.

EDDY -- Ah, could you be more, like, specific?

ENVY -- Well, all our lives, Jealousy always had everything, 
even when we were kids. Mom always like her best. She always 
seemed to have more toys, he got better presents on our birthday 
and at Christmas and graduation. She went to college longer than 
me, he got a better job, she makes more money than me, she has a 
nicer house, she drives a nicer car, and her husband is better 
looking than mine. But does she enjoy those things?

EDDY -- Does she?

ENVY -- Of course, she doesn't. The reason she wouldn't leave home 
tonight is because she's so afraid that someone will take her
stuff. I hate her.

EDDY -- (aside) This is a real hot interview, dripping with 
emotion. Remember, if you need a reporter, my name is Eddy.

So, Envy, it sounds like your sister jealousy is real 

ENVY -- At the rate she's going she'll be right in the dumper 

EDDY -- Okay, so, ah, tell our listeners why you think Jealousy 
will end up a failure.

ENVY -- Because instead of enjoying all her stuff, she's 
spending all her time guarding and protecting it. She's so 
afraid someone is going to take her stuff that she's miserable. 
I hate her.

EDDY -- (aside) Okay, okay, so now listen carefully, I'm going 
to ask a penetrating question that could be the climax of the 
interview. It might even end up on the eleven o'clock news. 

So, ah, Envy, it sounds to me like YOU're not a very happy 
person yourself.

ENVY -- How can I be happy? I look around me and I see that 
everybody has more than me: more money, more nice things, better 
relationships, better opportunities. Everything around me reminds 
me how little I have. Like you, for instance. When I look at 
you, do I see tattered blue jeans and a holey T-shirt with 
sneakers so worn that your toes stick out? No. What I see is 
that you have more than me.

EDDY -- (aside) Excellent. Sound bites for the evening news, 

So, ah, Envy, like I don't take offense at your description of 
my attire, because I dress cool. But why do you think that I, 
who am looking for a job as a reporter as we speak, have more 
than you.

ENVY -- You have a microphone.

EDDY -- A microphone.

ENVY -- I never had a microphone. I always wanted a microphone. 
My sister had a microphone once, but would she loan me her 
microphone or just let me touch it? Noooooo! She won't share 
anything. So, can I borrow your microphone?

EDDY -- We're doing an interview, here. Chill out.

ENVY -- After the interview, then. Can I borrow your microphone 
after the interview?

EDDY -- Ah, I'd like to loan it to you, but I kinda borrowed it 
from this garage band I know and they need it back for their 
rehearsal right after this interview. Sorry.

ENVY -- See? That's what I mean. Everybody has more than me. But 
will anybody loan me anything? Noooo!

(Eddy now speaks in the foreground as Envy rants in the back 

I don't want very much. But I can't catch a break to save my 
life. Whatever happened to human kindness anyway. Am I asking a 
lot just to share the wealth and happiness of those more 
fortunate than I? I think not.

EDDY -- Okay, so, that's the interview. Pretty good, huh? A 
little education, a little human interest. So, just remember, if 
you need a good reporter, my name is Eddy. Okay, so, cover your 
ears, I'm gonna take these wires of the transmitter now. 

(static pop pop static)

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