MORTON   4'2m?f Dubius new bible scrolls found in a salt mine

You may have read about the recent discovery of a new set of
scripture scrolls which rocked the archaeological world. Because
they were found in an abandoned salt mine, these scrolls came to
be called the Book of Morton. Of course, we all know that a lot
of details in the lives of Biblical Characters never made it to
the pages of the Bible. Fortunately, the Book of Morton fills in
some of these blanks with some exact quotations of some famous
Biblical characters in the first section of the Book of Morton

Here are the famous last words of...

Samson -- Just take a little off the side.

Lot's wife -- Okay, so there's a little sin in Sodom and Gomorrah,
but what's the worst that could happen?

Noah -- Sure, Lord, if the weather's nice, I'll take a cruise for
a couple days.

Abraham -- No, son, it's not your finger I'm going to cut.

Jacob -- Okay, Lord, I'll wrestle. But just one round.

Jacob's youngest son, Joseph -- Boys, did you ever wonder what
life would like without me?

Moses -- Aaron, if I'm not down from the mountain in a couple
hours, get them busy building something nice with the gold.

Joshua -- Fellas, a brass section like that, our next gig will
bring the house down.

Goliath -- Okay, so the kid sings and dances, what else can he

Bathsheba -- Okay, so the kid sings and dances, what else can he

Solomon -- Sure, why not? What's another wife, more or less?

Elijah -- Nice chariot, Lord. But why are the horses wearing

John the Baptist -- Me? What could I possibly give Herodius's
daughter for her birthday?

Peter's Psychiatrist -- You know, my boy, you have a problem with

Paul -- Damascus? A blind man could get there.

                     MORTON'S LATTER DAY PROVERBS

Only three things are certain: death, taxes and there's a sale
at Circuit City.

Vote not, lest ye be called for jury duty.

The whiteness of the windshield is directly proportional to
the size of the bird.

The P.A. system in church is always two decibels quieter than the
child in the pew behind you.

The other checkout line always moves faster.

The best two TV movies of the week will always be shown on the
same night.

The man who wrote the instructions for using your VCR formerly
folded road maps.

If a televangelist smites you on one cheek, turn the other

Do not store up for yourselves treasures of this earth. But store
up for yourselves frequent flyer mileage.

Blessed is the man who finds the hair BEFORE the first bite of
his hamburger.

Blessed are the poor, for they shall get by with form 1040 EZ.

Blessed are the vise-presidents for they shall supply endless
material for stand-up comics.

Blessed are the Savings and Loan executives for they shall see
South America.

Blessed are the computer illiterate for they shall not know

Blessed are the childless for they shall not need Reebock pumps
or Rollerblades.

Blessed are those who patiently put up with these proverbs, for
they shall see and end to them.


You will know that the end is near when...

...You need to take a second trust deed loan to buy popcorn at
the movies.

...Gay is no longer something Christians want to be.

...The employees in Chinese restaurants are all Mexicans.

...The two most common names on the freeway are Smith & Wesson.

...Condom is more popular than condominium.

...Tragedies from a skyjacker is less likely than from someone
going through nicotine withdrawal.

...Your car speaks better English than the people who built it.

...Marital squabbles about money and sex are less frequent than
those about who gets to hold the remote control.

...Word leaks out that the secret sauce is really 1000 Island

...Marijuana is smoked but not inhaled.

Here endeth the wisdom of the Book of Morton.

�2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
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