SPENDER  4'3m0f A dead man eves drops on his own funeral

BOB -- Testing, testing, testing. Is this thing on? Yeah, the 
little reels are turning inside.

Okay, so my name is Bob Johnson and I'm dead. Well, maybe I 
should explain that. See I'm not just dead tired from a long day 
at the office. I'm dead. I died three days ago. We're here at my 
funeral to record the kind words of my friends and relatives. 
That's me over there in the casket. I guess it doesn't do any 
good for me to point, does it? You can't see where I'm pointing.

So, let me start over again. My name is Bob and I'm standing 
here in a funeral parlor, where my friends and relatives are 
about to pay their last respects to me. Did I mention that I'm 
dead? Well, anyway, they can't hear me or see me....because I'm 
dead. But we can hear them. My friend Ray just came in. Let's 
move up to the casket and see if he says anything about me.

RAY -- Poor Bob. He was so young.

BOB -- Here comes my friend Tim.

TIM -- Poor Bob. he was so young.

BOB -- Look at what those undertakers did to my face...all that 
make-up! I never looked like that!

RAY -- We're all going to miss him.

BOB -- And they didn't even choose my favorite suit. 

TIM -- I'm Tim Smith, Bob's accountant.

RAY -- Ray Pritzger. Nice to meet you. Bob was on his way to an 
appointment at my office, when he...

RAY & TIM -- He was so young.

BOB -- I hate that suit.

RAY -- Bob was a terrific salesman.

BOB -- Actually, folks, I was the number one salesman in the 
western region. I could sell ice cubes to Eskimos.

RAY -- He could sell ice cubes to Eskimos.

BOB -- What'd I tell ya. Now it's your turn to say something nice 
about me, Tim.

TIM -- Bob was one of the most generous people I ever met.

BOB -- See? I was generous too.

TIM -- He threw his money around like a drunken sailor.

BOB -- Drunken sailor?!

TIM -- I know. The Bible says to give, but...

RAY -- I know what you mean, Tim. Bob gave me several "gifts" on 
the eighteenth green at the golf course every week. I tell you, 
between the bets he lost and the impulse purchases he made in 
the pro shop, Bob rarely left the golf course with a dime in his 

BOB -- It was all luck. I was bound to win one of these days with 
my gorgeous golf swing. Tell him about my gorgeous golf swing, 

TIM -- That's Bob. As his accountant, I tried to get him to plan 
his giving and his spending, just the way it says to do in the 
Bible. But, he never...

BOB -- Hey, I wrote a budget once!

TIM -- I take that back. Bob did write a budget, ONCE.

BOB -- What'd I tell you. 

TIM -- ...but after ignoring the budget for two weeks he was so 
overspent that he threw it in the waste basket.

BOB -- Who needs a budget, anyway. With a gorgeous golf swing 
like mine, I could have made a bundle if I had turned pro and 
joined the PGA tour. 

RAY -- You should have seen him play golf.

BOB -- Listen to this.

RAY -- Bob had a terrible hook off the tee and he couldn't sink a 
six-foot put to save his life.

BOB -- Alright, so, maybe golf wasn't my game. But boy could I 
sail a sail boat.

TIM -- Did Bob ever tell you about his money-sucking sail boat?

BOB -- It was an America's Cup contender!

TIM -- You know, the Bible says to keep track of all your 
expenses. But if Bob had just kept track of his expenses on the 
sail boat alone, he would have probably sold it years ago.

BOB -- Not on your life! I was going to give Dennis Connors a run 
for his money.

TIM -- That boat wiped out all of his savings. Linda and the kids 
will have to move into a small apartment because they had to 
sell off the house to pay the taxes and legal fees.

BOB -- And once I got by Dennis Connors, those Australians 
wouldn't stand a chance.

RAY -- Gee, I never heard him mention a sail boat.

BOB -- What can beat the feel of the wind in your hair and the 
salt spray in your face.

TIM -- That's probably because he ran it aground TWICE.

BOB -- Let's talk about my new car.

RAY -- That sounds like the Bob I knew.

BOB -- It's a BMW.

RAY -- Bob really enjoyed his money, just like the Bible says he 

BOB -- 733 csi.

TIM -- You read the Bible too?

BOB -- It's the best BMW on the road today.

RAY -- Every day. It's the only way I can keep my life in 

BOB -- Hey, guys, we're recording here. Can someone say a word 
on behalf of my new car?

TIM -- I always encouraged Bob to read the Bible and use it in 
his life. But he just never wanted to take the time for it. So, 
when he died, we had to sell off his BMW just to pay the funeral 

BOB -- Oh, no, not the BMW!

RAY -- Good ole Bob. What do you suppose he's doing now?

TIM -- Playing golf.

BOTH -- In a sand trap. (laugh)

BOB --  Alright, that's enough. How do you turn this stupid 
recorder off.


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