BACK COVER-UP 9'3m0f The great resurrection cover-up (scene: bare stage) SAM ---- (Enters, smiling, strolls, hands behind back) HARRY -- (Enters, smiles broadly) Sammy! I hear congratulations are in order. (offers hand) SAM ---- (shakes hands) So, you heard, huh? HARRY -- Hey, when the man who claims to be the messiah is crucified, who doesn't here about it? You and the other members of the Sanhedrin ought to be very proud of yourselves, Sam. SAM ---- Was I right or was I right? HARRY -- What can I say? You called it. "Mark my words," you said, "if he is the messiah, Jesus will call down his angels to take him down from the cross." SAM ---- (looks around, giggles) Anybody seen any angels lately? (giggles) HARRY -- (laughs) Sammy, you are a stitch. (looks over shoulder) Oh, temple services are starting. (turns, speaks over shoulder) Be sure and pass my compliments on to the boys in the Sanhedrin, huh? (waves) SAM ---- Will do, Harry. See, ya! (resumes) HARRY -- (laughs) Seen any angels lately. (laughs, exits) MANNY -- (enters, serious) There you are, Boss. I'm glad I found you. SAM ---- Manny! I suppose you want to congratulate me, too? MANNY -- Well, not exactly. SAM ---- What do you mean? MANNY -- (looks both ways) Boss, we got a problem here. Jesus' body is missing. SAM ---- Manny, have you been drinking? MANNY -- You know I don't drink. He said that the body is gone and I believe him. SAM ---- Who said? Manny, that's absolutely ridiculous. We posted guards on the entrance to the tomb. Even if someone could roll away the big cover stone, the guards wouldn't have let him take the body. MANNY -- It was a guard who reported the body missing. SAM ---- Those were our best soldiers. Who could overpower them? MANNY -- Two angels. SAM ---- (head snaps quickly to see if Harry heard, looks up to heaven, clasps hands in prayer) That thing I said about angels, it was just a joke, not a request. MANNY -- Who are you talking to? SAM ---- You wouldn't understand. Tell me what happened. MANNY -- The guard said there was an earthquake and the angels rolled away the stone that covered the entrance to the tomb. SAM ---- You're sure that's what he said? The Angels rolled away the stone? MANNY -- Then disappeared, right in front of him. SAM ---- Oh, boy. MANNY -- What do we do now? SAM ---- You mean before or after I eat crow. MANNY -- I know, you hate to eat crow. SAM ---- (spits) ptooy. No, sir, there is no way I'm eating crow on this one. MANNY -- Well, what do we do? SAM ---- Manny, we've got to put a positive spin on this. We have the Christians on the run. They are completely disbursed. (paces, three times he returns to Manny, raises finger in delight, then withdraws it) Naw. MANNY -- (makes crow call) Caw, caw, caw. SAM ---- I'm thinking. I'm thinking. (snaps fingers) I've got it! We'll say the guards fell asleep or something and that the body was stolen. (motions him away) You fill in the details. MANNY -- Right. (turns to leave) SAM ---- Manny, if it gets out that we don't know where the body is, we're in big trouble. MANNY -- Some of us are, anyway. Caw, caw, caw. SAM ---- Manny, does the word TITHE mean anything to you? If they find out the body is missing, they could believe Jesus' prediction that he would raise from the dead. My income will take a nose dive. And if MY income goes down...( points at Manny, turns away) MANNY -- ....I'll get right on it, boss. (exits) HARRY -- (enters) Sam, I'm glad you're still here. SAM ---- (pastes on a phony smilea) Harry! I thought you went to the temple. I suppose you want to buy me lunch? HARRY -- Is it true what I heard, Sam? SAM ---- What did you hear? HARRY -- Something about a resurrection. SAM ---- (sly) Resurrection? (shakes head) I don't think I... How did you hear about a resurrection, Harry? HARRY -- From some Christians. SAM ---- Christians? That's impossible. We scared them all out of Jerusalem. HARRY -- Apparently, some of them stayed behind to take care of the body. The said they saw him. SAM ---- (excited) They saw him? (false calm) Saw who, Harry? HARRY -- Jesus. SAM ---- Jesus? HARRY -- They said he's alive. SAM ---- Alive. MANNY -- (from off stage) Caw, caw, caw. HARRY -- (looks around) What was that? SAM ---- (motions Manny away, pushes Harry to exit) Nothing. Listen, Harry, don't believe a thing that you hear from those Christians. Remember, they were the ones who came up with the story Jesus about feeding 5000 people with 5 small loaves of bread and two small fish. HARRY -- (stops) Yeah, I was there that day. How did he do that? SAM ---- (pushes) It's a parlor trick, Harry. Hey, let's do lunch real soon. I'll show you how he pulled it off. HARRY -- Yeah, okay. (exits) MANNY -- (Enters) Caw, caw, Caw. Are you hungry, boss? SAM ---- Very funny. What did you do about the resurrection story, Manny? MANNY -- I told Jake Goldman's wife that the guards fell asleep and the body was stolen by the Christians. It'll be all over town by dinner. SAM ---- Good. Now go after the loudmouth Christians who are telling everybody that they saw Jesus alive. There is no way they saw him alive. I saw the soldier drive a spear into his heart. HARRY -- (enters) Sam, you wouldn't believe what I just heard. SAM ---- (whispers to Manny) Go, go! MANNY -- (backing out exit) What do I do if I find some Christians? SAM ---- I don't care. Throw them in jail if you have to. Just get them out of circulation. (shakes finger at Manny) HARRY -- What's that about circulation? SAM ---- (turns with hand still outstretched) Oh, ah, it's just a medical problem... in my hand... here in my hand. So, you said you heard something, Harry, old boy? (pats him on the back) HARRY -- Yeah, I was just over in the temple courts (points to exit) and a guy named Stephen is telling everybody that over 500 people have seen Jesus since the resurrection. Isn't that something? SAM ---- Another parlor trick, Harry, my boy. Another parlor trick. Smoke and mirrors. 500 people, you say? MANNY -- (from offstage) Caw, caw, caw. SAM ---- (motions Manny away, pushes Harry to exit) Boy, do we have a lot to talk about over lunch, huh, Harry? Tomorrow, maybe. I'll buy. See ya. HARRY -- (exits reluctantly) SAM ---- (motions Manny in) Manny, we've got a problem. MANNY -- (enters) I know, I heard. Over 500 people saw Jesus after he raised from the dead. SAM ---- Allegedly. Manny, get hold of Saul of Tarsus and have him throw the witnesses in jail. And tell him he can start with a guy named Stephen. He's out in the temple courts right now, spouting off. Maybe suggest that they stone him to death. Make an example out of him. (pushes him toward`exit) MANNY -- Will do. (turns) Oh, boss? (slithers to exit) SAM ---- Huh? MANNY -- (points to Harry) Your lunch date is here. Bye, bye. (exits) HARRY -- (enters) Sam, can I talk to you? SAM ---- Harry, I thought you were supposed to be in temple. HARRY -- Do you know a guy named Peter? SAM ---- Yeah, the guy who denied Jesus three times? (points to exit) HARRY -- Well, he's over in the temple courts right now saying.... SAM ---- (pushes him to exit) Say no more, Harry. Can you believe a thing he says after what he did to his best friend? HARRY -- But... (exits) SAM ---- (back away, shouts to exit) I swear, I'll buy you lunch as soon as I clear up all this....(fans the air) Oh, what's the use. (motions Manny in) MANNY -- (enters) Would you like it fried, broiled, or baked? SAM ---- What? MANNY -- Your crow. SAM ---- I'm not laughing. Manny, I've got more work for you. Grab that apostle Peter and put him in Jail. (pushes him to exit) MANNY -- (turns) One what charge? SAM ---- (fans at the air) I don't know. Make something up. (turns, turns back) Wait. MANNY -- (enters) What. SAM ---- Be sure you put him in chains. Oh, and chain him to two guards and put two guards at the door jail cell. If the angels can roll back the stone, they can spring Peter from jail. (pushes him to exit) Go, go! MANNY -- (exits) HARRY -- (enters) Sam, you're not going to believe this. SAM ---- (pushes him toward exit) Listen, buddy, I'm up to my elbows here. Can I.... HARRY -- You know Saul. Saul of Tarsus? SAM ---- Of course, I just sent him to nab people who were... HARRY -- ...he's preaching the resurrection. (points to exit) SAM ---- Harry, I'm not in the mood for jokes. HARRY -- I'm not joking, Sam. He's in the temple courts right now. I heard it with my own ears. SAM ---- (pushes him out exit) Listen, Harry, have you ever heard of celebrity impersonators. It's all make-up and costumes. Go, see for yourself. Look for glue. (points to own chin) Right along the edge of the beard. Go. Take a look. HARRY -- (exits) SAM ---- (sighs, slaps hands on thighs, looks up to heaven) It was the angel joke, wasn't it. Would it help if I said I was sorry? MANNY -- (enters) Sorry about what, boss? SAM ---- (pushes him to exit) Oh, I'm glad you're back. Get over to the temple and arrest Saul of Tarsus. MANNY -- He's on our side. SAM ---- Not anymore. MANNY -- You're kidding. SAM ---- No, I'm not kidding. Find him and have him arrested. MANNY -- ...but...(exits) SAM ---- Just do it! (shouts) Oh, and put him in stocks and put guards on his cell door too. (shouts) Hurry. (turns, mumbles) This is getting out of control. HARRY -- (enters) Talk about bizarre events. Peter is in the temple courts now. SAM ---- Peter? I just had him thrown in jail. How could you.... HARRY -- He apparently escaped. SAM ---- He escaped?! That's impossible! HARRY -- Apparently, an angel of the Lord.... SAM ---- (looks up) That's very funny, Lord, very funny. HARRY -- Why are you talking to the sky? (looks up) SAM ---- You wouldn't understand. HARRY -- Anyway, apparently, his hand cuffs just FELL off, by themselves. SAM ---- Of course, (looks up) with angels, anything is possible. Wait a minute. He had armed guards too, right? HARRY -- The guards fell asleep. SAM ---- Harry, that was OUR story. HARRY -- You know, Sam, I'm beginning to believe this stuff about the resurrection. SAM ---- (pulls him to exit) Harry, I know that there's SOME evidence for the resurrection, but... HARRY -- No, Sam, there's a LOT of evide.... SAM ---- Okay, so there's a lot of evidence, Harry, but it's all a big hoax. Don't believe a word of it.... And stay away from the temple for a while, huh? The Christians seem to be overrunning the place. HARRY -- (exits) MANNY -- (enters, whispers) Pssst. SAM ---- Manny. If this isn't good news, I don't want to hear it. MANNY -- Well, it's good news AND bad news? SAM ---- Manny, I'm not sure I want to.... MANNY -- It's about Paul. SAM ---- Paul, who's Paul? MANNY -- Saul of Tarsus. He changed his name. SAM ---- Manny, tell me he's still in jail! MANNY -- He's not. An earthquake... SAM ---- Are you sure you're not talking about the resurrection? MANNY -- This is a different earthquake. The stocks just fell off his feet and the doors just opened by themselves. SAM ---- (looks up) I really am sorry about the angel joke. (to Manny) Okay, so, how is that GOOD news? MANNY -- He's stopped preaching to the Jews in the temples and synanon. SAM ---- How wonderful! Hallelujah! MANNY -- More good news. SAM ---- Now that's more like it! (looks up, whispers) Thank you. MANNY -- Peter stopped preaching to the Jews, too. SAM ---- Alright! MANNY -- Now, the bad news. SAM ---- You already told me the bad news. MANNY -- Both of them are now preaching to the gentiles because every Jew in Jerusalem now knows about the resurrection. SAM ---- (pulls him to exit) Find them, have them arrested and stoned to death. They can't talk from the grave. Go! Go! HARRY -- (enters, points to Manny) Haven't I seen him before? SAM ---- Harry, I really don't have time to.... HARRY -- I want to buy you lunch. (puts arm around Sam, walks him to exit) SAM ---- Well, finally, a little good news for a change. HARRY -- Yes, I was just talking to Peter and Paul. And they told me to tell YOU about the gospel of Jesus. Sam, did you know that Jesus really IS the messiah and he really did raise from the dead? (exits) SAM ---- (pulls back) Listen, Harry, I... I just remembered I have a stop to make before lunch. (points) I'll catch up with you later. MANNY -- (enters) Boss, you're just the man I want to see. SAM ---- Manny, if you don't have some good news, you're in big trouble. MANNY -- (pulls Sam to exit) Funny you should say that. I was just talking to Peter and Paul. And they told me to tell YOU about the good news of Jesus Christ. Sam, did you know that Jesus really IS the messiah and he really did raise from the dead? Let me tell you about eternal life. (both exit) ©2008 Bob Snook. Conditions for use: Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it. Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances. You may reproduce and distribute this script freely, but all copies must contain this copyright statement. http://www.bobsnook.org email: bob@bobsnook.org BACK |