COVERUP2 7'1m0f Monologue: The great resurrection cover-up

(pushes button on phone)

Thank you for calling the Sanhedrin. May I help you?

Hi, Harry! congratulate me? Yeah, thanks, Harry. We finally got him,

Yeah, if he was the messiah, Jesus would have called down his
angels to take him down from the cross. It looks like he was a
phony, alright.

Yeah, thanks for your good wishes, Harry. Bye.

(pushes button on phone)

Thank you for calling the Sanhedrin. May I help you?

Oh, hi, Manny, are you calling to congratulate me, too?


What do you mean, the body disappeared?!

Manny, that's absolutely ridiculous. We posted guards on the
entrance to the tomb. Even if someone could roll away the stone,
the guards wouldn't have let him out.

Angels? Manny, have you been drinking?

Well, then, maybe the guards had been drinking.

Rolled away the stone? You're sure that's what he said? The
Angels rolled away the stone?

Then disappeared, right in front of him.

Manny, we've got to put a positive spin on this. We had the
Christians on the run. They were completely disbursed.

Right. We'll say the guards fell asleep or something and that
the body was stolen.


Yeah, Manny if the Christians find out that the body
disappeared, we're in big trouble.

Why?! Jesus promised his friends that he would raise from the
dead. If they find out the body is missing, you know what
they're going to think. We have to squash this rumor, Manny.
Yeah, get right on it.

(pushes button on phone)

Thank you for calling the Sanhedrin. May I help you?

Harry! Why are you calling again. Want to buy be lunch?

Funny you should ask that, Harry. Yeah, it's true, the body
disappeared, but we know where it is. Yeah, I was just talking
to the guard at the tomb. He said that the Christians stole the
body. By the way, Harry, where did you hear this rumor?

From the Christians?! I thought we had them on the run.

They saw him? Saw who?

Jesus? You mean, like, alive? (laughs nervously) Harry, how
could he be alive? I had the guard run a spear through his heart
before they took him down from the cross. (laughs) Alive. Isn't
that ridiculous?

Yeah, you know how those Christians lie, Harry. Remember, they
were the ones who made up the story about Jesus feeding 3000
people with a little boy's lunch.

5000? How do you know it was 5000?

You were there. Harry, it's a parlor trick. Anybody could do
that. Yeah, I'll show you over lunch sometime.

Yeah, as soon as I get a little free time, Harry. Bye Bye.

(pushes button on phone)

Manny. I'm glad you called. We've got a problem. Apparently,
there's a rumor going around that as many as 500 people saw
Jesus after he raised from the dead.

Yeah, we have to keep the body snatching story going, but we
have to go after the people who are speaking publicly about the
resurrection. Get hold of Saul of Tarsus and have him throw the
loudmouths in jail.

Yeah, and tell him he can start with a guy named Stephen. He's
out in the temple courts right now spouting off.

Yeah, maybe stone him. Make an example out of him.

Yeah, bye, Manny.

(pushes button on phone)

Thank you for calling the Sanhedrin. May I help you?

Harry! Please tell me that you want to buy me lunch.

You don't.

Alright, tell me the bad news.

Where did you hear about it this time?

Peter? Harry, don't believe a word of it. He's making it all up.
Think about it. Can you believe a thing Peter says if he denied
his own friend?

Hey, gotta go, Harry. Thanks for calling.

(pushes button on phone)

Manny, I've got more work for you. Grab that apostle Peter and
put him in Jail.

I don't know. Make something up. He's going to ruin everything.

Why? He was one of Jesus' best friends. People are going to
believe him.

Yeah, put him in chains. Oh, wait. If the angels can roll back
the stone, they can spring Peter from jail. I tell you what.
Chain him to two guards and put two guards at the door.

Yeah,... oh, wait, there's a call on the other line. Hang on.

(pushes button on phone)

Thank you for calling the Sanhedrin. May I help you?

Harry! Listen, buddy, I'm up to my elbows here. Can I....

Saul. Saul of Tarsus? You're kidding. I Just sent him to nab
people who were...

You're sure he's preaching the resurrection?

Listen, Harry, I really have to go, Bye.

(pushes button on phone)

Manny, you're not going to believe this. Saul of Tarsus, of all
people, is now preaching the resurrection.

No, I'm not kidding.

I don't know. Find him and have him arrested.

Just do it! Oh, and put him in stocks and put guards on his cell
door too.

Yeah, hurry. This is getting out of control.

(pushes button on phone)


Harry, stop calling. I'm dying here.

Peter? I just had him thrown in jail. How could you....

He escaped?! That's impossible!

An angel of the Lord. Well, how could he....

The hand cuffs just FELL off?

Guards fell asleep. Harry, that falling-asleep thing was OUR
story! Are you sure?

Holy cow! Listen, thanks for the tip, Harry. I gotta go...

Harry, I know that there's SOME evidence for the resurrection,

Okay, so there's a lot of evidence, Harry, but it's all a big
hoax. Don't believe a word of it.... Oh, listen, Harry, I got
another call. Bye.

(pushes button on phone)


Manny. If this isn't good news, I don't want to hear it.

Good news AND bad news? I'm not sure I want to...

Paul, who's Paul?

Saul of Tarsus. Oh, he changed his name.

So, tell me he's in jail!

He's not.

An earthquake...

Shackles just fell off his feet?

... and the doors just opened? By themselves?

Manny, can't you wait for lunch to hit the bottle?

You're sober. So, how is that GOOD news?

He's stopped preaching to the Jews in the temples and
synagogues. How wonderful! Hallelujah!

More good news? Now that's more like it!

Peter stopped preaching to the Jews too? Alright!

Now, the bad news. Well, how bad could it be?

Both of them are now preaching to the gentiles. Why is that bad

Because every Jew in Jerusalem now knows about the resurrection?
Oh, Man! Oh, oh, there's another call on the other line. Hold

(pushes button on phone)


Harry, I really don't have time to....

You want to buy me lunch? Well, after this morning, I guess I
could use a break. But, I'll tell you, Harry, there's not a lot
to celebrate.

There is?

YOU want to tell ME about the gospel of Jesus Christ? Harry,
don't tell me YOU'RE a Christian, now.

Oh, brother. Get lost, Harry! Don't call me, anymore!

(pushes button on phone)

Manny, I want good news or I want no news. Got it?

YOU want to have lunch with me? Why?

YOU want to tell ME about the gospel of Jesus Christ?

Oh, brother! Manny, you're fired!

(slams phone, exits)

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