IWITNESS 5'2m0f At last, an eye witness to the resurrection?

JOHN -- (enters, speaking into microphone, strolls to DC) 
Ladies and gentlemen, I am your action reporter and I am on the 
scene here near the tomb of Jesus of Nazareth, (motions to exit) 
investigating the mysterious disappearance of his body....

FRED -- (enters, wearing combat fatigues and a bird house on his 
head, crosses to JOHN) Hey, I saw the whole thing.

JOHN -- Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, we seem to have a late 
breaking development. (to FRED) Can you repeat that, sir? 
(points mike at Fred)

FRED -- Yes, I said, I saw the whole thing. Can you hear me 

JOHN -- Before we go on, sir, can you explain how it is that you 
have your head in a bird house?

FRED -- Yes, of course. I'm a private investigator. This was a 
very clever idea of mine to camouflage myself during the 

JOHN -- camouflage?

FRED -- See, when I stand behind a tree and lay my head on a 
branch my camouflage clothes blend into the background and I look 
just like a your common garden variety bird house. Clever, no?

JOHN -- Clever. Well, I guess you can take the bird house off 
your head now.

FRED -- No, I can't.

JOHN -- You can't?

FRED -- No, in order to avoid blowing my cover at an  
inopportune moment I decided to nail myself into this bird 

JOHN -- No kidding.

FRED -- No kidding. I'll need a claw hammer to remove it.

JOHN -- Well, let's get back to the resurrection.

FRED -- Yes, I was staked out in a tree just a few feet from the 
tomb. (points to exit)

JOHN -- That's the tomb of belonging to Joseph of Arimathea?

FRED -- That's right. He let the Christians bury Jesus in his 
brand new family tomb. I was there when they wrapped the body 
and layed it in the tomb. Then, they rolled a big round stone in 
front of the opening.

JOHN -- You could see all that that through the hole in the 
bird house?

FRED -- You might say I had a bird's eye view. (laughs)

JOHN -- Bird's eye view.

FRED -- Yes, I am a trained observer.

JOHN -- Can you tell our audience why a trained observer would 
be staked out in front of a tomb?

FRED -- Yes, of course. Jesus predicted that he would raise from 
the dead after three days. So, the boys at the Sanhedrin decided 
to post a guard at the tomb to make sure the Christians didn't 
steal the body and make it look like a resurrection. They hired 
me to keep an eye on the guard.

JOHN -- I see. Now, back to the resurrection. The people in the 
city reported an earthquake. Did you feel the earthquake?

FRED -- Boy, did I. The ground shook like crazy! The guard was 
so scared, he hid behind me. He thought I was a tree. So, the 
camouflage worked, you see.

JOHN -- You saw him behind you?

FRED -- Well, no, I could only see the entrance to the tomb in 
front of me. There's just one hole in the bird house.

JOHN -- Then, how did you know he was hiding behind you?

FRED -- I could hear his knees knocking.

JOHN -- Then what happened?

FRED -- Then a clown appeared from nowhere and rolled away the 

JOHN -- Wait a minute. Did you say you saw a clown?

FRED -- Yes, uh huh.

JOHN -- Are you sure you saw a clown?

FRED -- Well, not exactly.

JOHN -- What do you mean, not exactly? Did you see a clown or 

FRED -- Well... (shrugs)

JOHN -- Look, you boasted that you were a trained observer. What 
exactly did you see?

FRED -- Well, I got hungry after staking out the tomb for most of 
the weekend.

JOHN -- What does that have to do with a clown?

FRED -- Well, I was pushing food into the bird house through the 
hole when the earthquake started. I tried to clear the food out 
of the hole. But have you ever tried clearing raisons and peanut 
butter out of a bird house hole during an earthquake?

JOHN -- I don't believe I've ever had the pleasure. You still 
haven't explained the clown.

FRED -- I'm getting to that. I could see enough of the guy to 
know that he was a clown. He glowed in the dark. 

JOHN -- Oh, brother.

FRED -- What.

JOHN -- That wasn't a clown. That was an angel of the Lord.

FRED -- Angel... clown, what's the difference?

JOHN -- (to audience) He's a trained observer.

FRED -- How's that? I can't hear you. I've got a bird house on my 

JOHN -- So, you had raisons and peanut butter in your bird house 

FRED -- Makes a great sandwich. You ought to try it sometime.

JOHN -- Can we get back to the resurrection?

FRED -- I got most of the raisons and peanut butter out of the 
hole with my fingers and then I found a twig and poked it into 
the hole.

JOHN -- So, then you could see?

FRED -- Not real well. I poked myself in the eye.

JOHN -- I'm not interested in your eye.

FRED -- Well, you ought to be. Have you ever poked yourself in 
the eye with a twig? That smarts!

JOHN -- I'm sure. But did you see Jesus come out of the tomb?

FRED -- Well, the twig got stuck in the hole. I should have 
stripped the leaves off of it first.

JOHN -- So, you didn't see anything.

FRED -- Yes, I did. I finally got the twig out of the hole and I 
could see the empty tomb just fine.

JOHN -- The empty tomb.

FRED -- Well, it wasn't completely empty. The wrappings from the 
body were laying there. 

JOHN -- So, you didn't see the Lord Jesus rise from the dead or 
leave the tomb?

FRED -- Well, no. But I do know that Jesus raised from the dead.

JOHN -- How do you know that Jesus raised from the dead?

FRED -- I heard the guard behind me peeing in his pants.

JOHN -- Well, that's it for our eye-witness account of the 

FRED -- (stumbles toward exit, hands outstretched) Which way do 
I go to get out of here?

JOHN -- Watch where you're walking, there!

FRED -- (exits) Oh, I'll be alright. I can see just....


JOHN -- (shrugs, exits) Now, back to the studio.

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