SNATCHER 5'2m0f Jesus' resurrection said to be body snatching

FRED -- (enters, paces floor DC)

ED --   (enters backward, looking around, making notes with pad 
and pen, working his way to DC, where he confronts Fred) Are you 
the one who called in the complaint?

FRED -- Yes, that's me, officer. The name is Flanigan, Fred 
Flanigan. (points at pad) You'd better make that "security 
officer Fred Flanigan", just in case this story ends up in the 
newspapers. But you can call me Fred, since we're both crime 

ED --   Alright, Fred, you want to start from the beginning?

FRED -- Yeah, like I told the dispatcher, they snuck up behind 
me, whacked me over the head and stole the body. 

ED --   They? (writes) How many were there? 

FRED -- (pause) A couple. Yeah that's it. There were at least 
two. Now, normally, I could disarm and detain just two perps, 
seeing as I know Jujitsu, Karate, KungFu and three other 
Japanese words. But unfortunately, they snuck up on me from 
behind and surprised me. This is probably going to make the 
newspapers, isn't it? 

ED --   Oh, I don't know. Body snatching is no big deal. 

FRED -- But, if the guy was pretty well known, it'll probably 
end up in the papers, don't you think? 

ED --   He was well known?

FRED -- Oh, yeah. Jesus of Nazareth, the guy who claimed to be 
the messiah. So, my name will probably end up in the headlines, 

ED --   This Jesus of Nazareth, did his disciples threaten to 
steal the body?

FRED -- No, why?

ED --   I'm wondering why anyone would station a security guard 
in a graveyard.

FRED -- On second thought, yeah, I think there was a threat 
steal the body. Yeah, that's why I was stationed here. Do you 
think that maybe my name will be embroiled in a conspiracy?

ED --   Yeah, maybe. Which way did you say the perpetrators came 

FRED -- From behind me. I didn't have a chance to defend myself.

ED --   Which way were you facing? 

FRED -- Let's see, if I standing right here, like this, facing 
the tomb, (points to audience) then they snuck up from behind 
me, from that way, there. (points over shoulder) Yeah, that's 
it. From that way, there. 

ED --   Both of them? 

FRED -- Both of them? Yeah, both of them. 

ED --   If they both came up from behind you and surprised you, 
how could you tell how many there were? 

FRED -- Ah, it felt like two of them slugged me. 

ED --   So, you didn't see either one of them? 

FRED -- Well, no. 

ED --   So, there could have been more? 

FRED -- Ah, yeah, I never thought of that. There could have been 

ED --   Or less. 

FRED -- But probably more. It would take more that just two 
perps to take down Fred Flanigan. Did I tell you how to spell 
my last name? (looks for his name on Ed's pad, notices Ed is not 
writing, pauses) What.

ED --   The wax seal on the tomb stone was broken and the 
stone was rolled way from the entrance. And the burial cloths 
were lying in a heap on the floor. 

FRED -- Yeah, so? 

ED --   So, do you want to tell me what REALLY happened? 

FRED -- What really happened. Let's see. These four guys jumped 
me from behind and knocked me out, or I would have shown them a 
thing or two. 

ED --   Four? You said there were two. 

FRED -- Yeah, but they were making noises like four. I'll bet 
this will get into the papers now, huh? (holds hands up to frame 
the headlines) "Four dangerous bandits overpower valiant Fred 
Flannigan and steal body"

ED --   Not likely. There was no theft. 

FRED -- No theft? Oh, heck ya, there was maybe five or six of 
them and... 

ED --   Sorry. Try again. 

FRED -- What do you mean? 

ED --   If YOU were going to steal a body, would you take the 
time to unwrap it BEFORE you hauled it away?

FRED -- Oh, that! Well, let's see.... Those aren't the wrappings 
from the body. The body snatchers must have brought some 
wrappings with them and dropped them in the tomb. Did I mention 
that there were 6 or 8 vicious thugs? 

ED --   Nice try. The wrappings had been soaked in burial 
spices. Are you saying that the thieves brought extra wrappings 
AND buckets of burial spices, so that the tomb would smell nice 
when the cops arrived? 

FRED -- It could happen. Did I mention that there were maybe 8 
or 10 professional thugs? 

ED --   Are you sure you don't want to change your story?

FRED -- Why. What did I miss? 

ED --   This is a garden that we're standing in. 

FRED -- Yeah, so?

ED --   So, it was freshly cultivated on the day before the 
Sabbath. There are no foot prints at all behind you. 

FRED -- None? Okay, so, maybe there weren't eight or ten....

ED --   ....None. 

FRED -- Maybe they tip-toed.

ED --   No foot prints at all. Not even toe marks.

FRED -- Okay, so maybe I dozed off a little before they got here. 
I have no idea which way they came from. The cowardly rats 
slugged a sleeping man, can you imagine that? Did I mention that 
there was up to a dozen hardened criminals with knives and 
clubs? You won't mention anything to the papers about me dozing 
off, will you? 

ED --   You were dozing while standing up?

FRED -- It could happen.

ED --   I'll give you one more chance to get your story  

FRED -- Alright, so maybe there was only one or two of them. Did 
I mention that they were both well over six feet tall?

ED --   There are no foot prints anywhere besides yours and mine.

FRED -- Nobody's going to believe the truth. That's what they 
said and they were right.  

ED --   Who said? 

FRED -- The guys at the temple. They told me that nobody would 
believe the truth. So, I should make up a good story. So I did. 
I thought I did a pretty good job, too. Had you going, heh?

ED --   No more lies. No more exaggerations. Just tell me what 

FRED -- Alright, there was just one guy. And he didn't slug me 
at all. 

ED --   How did he steal the body without making any foot prints 
in the soil? How did just one man roll away that big stone from 
the entrance to the tomb?

FRED -- He was an angel. 

ED --   Here we go again! 

FRED -- He rolled back the stone and sat on it.

ED --   Do you know what the penalty is for obstructing justice?

FRED -- Did I mention that Jesus rose from the dead? 

ED --   (drags Fred to exit) Alright, you've had your chance. 
You're coming downtown.

FRED -- (exiting) I told you you wouldn't believe the truth.

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