YAHOSHUA 9'1m2f Deity of Jesus, resurrection, Judas' betrayal

(all characters except Sam wear tunic and sandals)

SAM -- (enters stumbling wearing suit with smashed fedora on
head, groans) What hit me? (to audience) I think this is where I
usually introduce myself. The name is.... (pauses) My name
is.... (pauses) Isn't that funny?! I can't remember my name. I
think somebody hit me on the head. (removes hat) Look what he
did to my hat! He ruined it! (looks left and right) He really
messed me up bad. (looks left and right) I don't even know where
I am.

MARY -- (follows, crosses DS of Sam)

SAM -- Excuse me, doll-face?

MARY -- (stops, turns) Were you referring to me?

SAM -- Yes. Somebody whacked me on the head. (points to hat)

MARY -- I'm sorry, Jewish women are not supposed to talk to
Gentile men. (turns, freezes)

SAM -- (to audience) There's a clue in what this woman said. She
said she was a Jewish woman. And I'm a gentile, whatever that
means. (to Mary) Please, I need your help.

MARY -- How can I help?

SAM -- Is there a hospital around here?

MARY -- I'm sorry, I don't know what a hospital is. (freezes)

SAM -- (to audience) Another clue. This woman doesn't know what
a hospital is. This must be a primitive society. (to Mary)
Listen, doll-face, all I'm sure of is that I'm not from around
here. Everybody here dresses funny.

MARY -- I was just going to say the same about you.

SAM -- So, if I'm not from around here, where is HERE, anyhow?

MARY -- You're really serious? You really don't know where you

SAM -- No.

MARY -- This is Jerusalem.

SAM -- Jerusalem. As in Israel.

MARY -- Well, the Romans won't let us call it Israel. They call
it Palestine.

SAM -- The Romans.

MARY -- Yes. You didn't know the Romans conquered Palestine?

SAM -- I don't know who the Romans are. (ponders) I'm not
communicating at all. I must be worse off than I thought. Maybe
I'm hallucinating all of this.

MARY -- Maybe you should look in your pouch.

SAM -- My pouch?

MARY -- Your money pouch. All the men carry a money pouch. Maybe
there's some clues about your identity in your pouch.

SAM -- (pats pockets) I'm pretty sure I don't carry a pouch, but
maybe I wrote my name in my... (pulls pouch from pocket) Well,
I'll be... it's a pouch!

MARY -- That's a good thing, no?

SAM -- Well, maybe, but, I really don't think I carry a pouch.
(examines pouch)

MARY -- Is your name written on it?

SAM -- No, just some Chinese writing.

MARY -- (looks) That's not Chinese, that's Hebrew. (cranes neck)

SAM -- That's not a lot of help


SAM -- Well, I'm pretty sure that's not my name. (pats pockets)

MARY -- Yahoshua is the name of the general in Moses army who
conquered the land of Canaan for Israel a thousand years ago.

SAM -- Why on earth would I have a dead man's pouch in my

MARY -- Beats me. Is there anything in it?

SAM -- No.

MARY -- Well, this probably isn't a case of robbery

SAM -- How do you know?

MARY -- A robber would just take the pouch. He wouldn't take the
time to empty it.

SAM -- You're right. Say, you're pretty good at this detective
stuff. (snaps fingers) That's it!

MARY -- What's it?

SAM -- I'm a detective!

MARY -- What's a detective?

SAM -- Aw, come on! Just when I was making progress. They MUST
have detectives even in Jerusalem.

MARY -- (shrugs)

SAM -- Alright. Tell me, are there other Yahoshuas in Israel
besides the dead guy?

MARY -- Yes.

SAM -- Living?

MARY -- Yes. There's a rather famous one. He was born in

SAM -- Bethlehem. That sounds familiar. Where is Bethlehem? I'll
look him up.

MARY -- He doesn't live there. He lives in Nazareth.

SAM -- Alright. Where is Nazareth?

MARY -- He's not there either.

SAM -- (to self) This is a nightmare. Maybe I'm dreaming all
this. (to Mary) Alright. Where is this other Yahoshua if he's
not in Bethlehem and he's not in Nazareth?

MARY -- You won't find him anywhere if you call him Yahoshua. He
doesn't use that name anymore.

SAM -- (to audience) I am. I'm having a nightmare. (to Mary)
Look, doll-face, if this, this Yahoo...

MARY -- Yahoshua. The name Yahoshua means GOD IS SALVATION. He
claims to be the salvation of God.

SAM -- Another Jesus.

MARY -- So, you know him?!

SAM -- Know who?

MARY -- You said you couldn't remember anything. But you
remembered his name.

SAM -- (reads pouch) Ya Ho Shu a

MARY -- No. You called him Jesus. Jesus is the Greek
pronunciation of his Hebrew name. That's the name he goes by

SAM -- You're not making any sense. You said this Ya Ho Shu A is
alive today.

MARY -- He is.

SAM -- Last I saw him, Jesus had died on the cross and was being
taken down from the cross and buried in a tomb.

MARY -- So, you didn't know that Jesus rose from the dead?

SAM -- That happened when?

MARY -- Yesterday.

SAM -- Yesterday?! That must be when someone whacked me. (bangs
self in the head, staggers) Oh! (shakes head, straightens and
smooths hat) It's all coming back to me now. My name is Spade,
Sam Spade. I'm the world's greatest private detective.

MARY -- Whatever that means.

SAM -- I was hired by some guys at the temple to prove that
Jesus was not God in human flesh.

MARY -- But he is God in human flesh! And he proved it by
raising from the dead.

SAM -- If what you're saying is true, maybe it was them guys at
the temple who whack me because they didn't like the bad news.
Listen, doll-face, I'm still a little woozy. Which way to the

MARY -- You're not really going to seek them out, are you?

SAM -- I'm a detective. What kind of detective would I be if I
didn't solve this mystery?

MARY -- That way. (points)

SAM -- (exiting) Thanks, doll-face.

MARY -- (backs to opposite exit) Be careful.

SAM -- I'm the world's greatest private detective. What's the
worse that could happen? (turns, nearly collides with Judasa)

JUDASA -- (enters, raises rolling pin) Give me back my money,
you crook. (freezes)

SAM -- (to audience) Maybe it wasn't them guys at the temple who
whacked me. I'll use my superior investigating skills to get at
the truth. (to Judasa, backing away) Listen, doll-face, I don't
have any money on me. I suppose it's possible that I had your
money at one time, but somebody whacked me on the head and...

JUDASA -- I was the one who whacked you on the head. And I'll do
it again if I don't get my money.

SAM -- Listen, sweet-cheeks, all I have is this pouch. And the
lady back there says it belonged to Jesus. (shows pouch)

JUDASA -- (examines pouch) Well, yes, it did belong to Jesus,
but my husband carried it for him. My husband was the money
manager for Jesus. He must have given it to you.

SAM -- I... I really can't remember. And what is his name?

JUDASA -- His name is Judas Ischariat.

SAM -- Sounds familiar. Tell me more.

JUDASA -- Don't pretend you don't know. My family needs that
money to buy groceries.

SAM -- Listen, I'm serious. I really don't know how I got the

JUDASA -- Judas gave it to you alright. There were thirty silver
coins in it. He wanted you to give it back to those creeps at
the temple.

SAM -- The creeps?

JUDASA -- The Pharisees and Sadducees.

SAM -- (to audience) I remember now. They are the ones who hired
me. I will now use my superior investigation skills to fill in
the details. (to Judasa) When you say "give it back", you're
implying that they were the ones who gave the money to Judas.

JUDASA -- The money was a bribe.

SAM -- A bribe?

JUDASA -- To betray Jesus.

SAM -- Betray Jesus. That doesn't sound right. Them guys at the
temple could have arrested Jesus any time. They knew who he was.
They knew he spent all day in the temple right under their

JUDASA -- Problem is, if they arrested him in public, Jesus'
disciples would have caused a riot. They needed to know when and
where Jesus was alone.

SAM -- Like in the olive grove.

JUDASA -- So, you do remember.

SAM -- Judas. Oh, THAT Judas! I knew I heard that name
somewhere! Now I remember Judas! I was there. Judas kissed Jesus
to show the guards who to arrest.

JUDASA -- Tell me something I don't know. Like where's my money?

SAM -- After Judas betrayed Jesus, he had a change of heart. He
tried to give the money back, but the Jews wouldn't take back
the bribe. So, Judas gave me the money and told me to return it,
since he knew I was working for them.

JUDASA -- (holds out hand) Then return it to me.

SAM -- I can't.

JUDASA -- (raises rolling pin) You what?!

SAM -- (retreats, tips pouch) I don't have the money. See?

JUDASA -- What did you do with my money?

SAM -- It was blood money. I threw it into the temple.

JUDASA -- You what?!

SAM -- (points past Judasa) Oh, look, there's Judas now! (exits)

JUDASA -- Where?! (turns) He's not there, he's dead. He
committed suicide. That little creep can't do anything right.
(turns, shrugs, exits) Where did he go?

SAM -- (reenters creeping, straightens, strolls, to audience)
Well, now you know the truth. It was not Judas himself who threw
the silver coins into the temple. It was me. But will I, the
world's greatest private detective, get any credit for it in the
Bible? Nooooo! Because I already received my reward from the
Pharisees and Sadducees. (exits)

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