BUSTED   5'3m0f Jacob's swindling finally catches up with him

JUDGE -- (Enters, crosses to podium, gavel, gavel) Alright, next 
case, case number 462514 Canaan vs JACOB ISRAEL. 

(Bailiff enters with Jacob in tow)

JACOB -- Ah, Jacob Israel, that would be me.

JUDGE -- Step forward and state your full name for the record.

JACOB -- (steps forward) I'm telling you judge, there's been a 
big mistake. 

JUDGE -- Save it for the jury. Just state your name for the 

JACOB -- My name is Jacob, son of Isaac, grandson of Abraham. 
And I didn't do anything.

JUDGE -- Just answer one question at a time and we'll all get 
out of here before dawn tomorrow. How do you plea, guilty or 
not guilty?

JACOB -- This must be a case of mistaken identity or something. 
You've got the wrong man.

JUDGE -- I'll take that as a not guilty plea. The D.A. 
recommends a bail in the amount of 400 talents. What is your 

JACOB -- Well, that's exorbitant, your honor. I'm just a lowly 
sheep herder.

JUDGE -- Well, let's have a look at your file here for previous 
arrests, then I'll decide if it's exorbitant or not. (opens 
file) Well, I see you've been a naughty little boy, Jacob.

JACOB -- No, I haven't, I...

JUDGE -- ... One count of fraud...

JACOB -- (steps up, reaches for file) ...let me see that.

(bailiff pulls him back) 

JUDGE -- You keep your hands to yourself, there, fella. Let's 
see, it says here that you swindled your brother out of his 
rightful inheritance

JACOB -- Oh, that.

JUDGE -- Slipped your mind, did it?

JACOB -- Well, I can explain that. See, I BOUGHT his 

JUDGE -- ...for a bowl of stew, it says here.

JACOB -- You make it sound worse than it was.

JUDGE -- According to this, your father and his father are both 
very wealthy men. That inheritance was worth thousands. Let's 
see here, here's one more count of fraud.

JACOB -- It can't be. I'm a law-abiding citizen.

JUDGE -- It says here you also swindled your brother out of your 
father's blessing before he died... by wearing an animal skin? 
I'm not even going to ask what that means.

JACOB -- Okay, I'll admit that I did that too. But what's a 
blessing worth in this economy?

JUDGE -- Says here your father's blessing puts you into the line 
of the messiah. Care to put a price on eternal glory, son?

JACOB -- Oh, sure, when you put it like that, it sounds...

JUDGE -- Here's a previous arrest in another jurisdiction.

JACOB -- I'm telling you, that was a complete misunderstanding.

JUDGE -- The complainant, a man named Laban,...

JACOB -- That's my uncle, what a chiseler. He made me marry his 
ugly daughter before he'd let me marry his beautiful daughter.

JUDGE -- As I was saying, the complainant Laban claims you 
swindled him out of most of his livestock.

JACOB -- SWINDLE is a little harsh, your honor. We agreed that 
instead of payment for my work I could have all the animals in 
his herds with spots and speckles.

JUDGE -- In most herds that's only about 10% of the herd. Keep 

JACOB -- Okay, so, I found a way to breed for spotted and 
speckled offspring. What's so bad about a little ingenuity?

JUDGE -- So, just how many animals did you end up with? 

JACOB -- 5000 or so.

JUDGE -- And Laban, how many did that leave him?

JACOB -- Four.

JUDGE -- Was that 4000?

JACOB -- No. Just four.

JUDGE -- You know in that jurisdiction they hang thieves.

JACOB -- I'm telling you judge, I'm an innocent man caught up in 
extenuating circumstances.

JUDGE -- Right. Now let's take a look at the arrest report from 
the extenuating circumstance that you are currently charged 
with. Uh huh. Assault, extortion and false imprisonment in this 

JACOB -- Pfff! It was a friendly wrestling match.

JUDGE -- He claims you held onto him and wouldn't let go... all 
night? That sounds like false imprisonment to me.

JACOB -- The alleged victim never had a scratch on him. But, me? 
What do I get? I'm still limping.

JUDGE -- He claims that you extorted from him the same thing 
that you swindled out of your father with the animal skins: 
blessings that don't belong to you. In this jurisdiction that's 
a stoning offense.

JACOB -- The alleged victim is not from around here. Are you 
going to believe an alien over one of your own citizens? 

JUDGE -- And who is this ALIEN of dubious veracity?

JACOB -- Huh?

JUDGE -- Who were you wrestling with?

JACOB -- Say, listen, I've taken up enough of the court's time. 
Why don't I just pay the 400 talents and be on my way?

JUDGE -- Who was he?

JACOB -- (softly) God.

JUDGE -- Excuse me?

JACOB -- It was the Lord God Almighty.

JUDGE -- And you were holding GOD hostage for a blessing you 
didn't deserve?

JACOB -- Well, he blessed me. He didn't strike me with lightning 
or anything.

JUDGE -- Of course, he didn't. You're in the line of the 

JACOB -- Yeah, so I figured, what the heck, what's he gonna do, 
fry the only guy who can produce the messiah, so I...

JUDGE -- The court will set aside the recommended bail of 400 

JACOB -- Well! Thank you, your hon...

JUDGE -- ...and set bail at 4000 talents. 

JACOB -- 4000! I don't have that kind of money!

JUDGE -- Then, you'll be our guest in the greybar hotel. Take 
him away. This court is adjourned. (gavel, exits)

(bailiff moves Jacob toward opposite exit)

JACOB -- (shouts) Wait a minute, Judge, can't we negotiate here? 
Would you settle for some speckled sheep? Goats. How about 
goats? Cows? How about cows?

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