CALEB    4'3m0f Joshua and Caleb report on the promised land

(all cowboy accents)

GEEZER -- (Enters, stops, points to opposite exit) Here they
come! The rest of the scoutin' party is back from the promised
land. (shouts back, points to opposite exit) Hey, Slim, Joshua
and Caleb is back. They ain't dead after all.

CALEB --- (John Wayne voice, enters with basket of fruit) Well,
howdy, Geezer.

GEEZER -- We thought youins was dead, Caleb. (points over his
shoulder) Slim and the other ten scouts we sent to the promised
land has been back for weeks. But you and Joshua was gone fer 40
days. Where you been, Caleb?

CALEB --- I'm atellin' ya, pilgrim, it's a land flowin' with
milk and honey. Looky here at the big bunches of grapes and
pomegrantes and figs I took from there. There's food for
everbody. No more manna from Heaven. So, mount up. Let's
ride into the sunset. (points, turns back to his exit)

SLIM ---- (enters from Geezer's side) Not so fast there,
Caleb. They was 12 of us in that scoutin' party.  And most of
us didn't see it the same way as you.

CALEB --- (stops) What do you mean by that, Slim?

SLIM ---- I mean there's some mean hombres in them thar hills.
You got your Amalikite tribe, your Hittite tribe, your Jebusite
tribe, and your Amorite tribe. They'd all just as soon put an
arrow in you as look at you. But that ain't the worst of 'em.
The Nephilim tribe is not only mean, they's big. They made us
feel like we was knee high to a grasshopper.

GEEZER -- How come you didn't mention no savages, Caleb?

CALEB --- Cause the Lord is on our side. Fellers, I gotta tell
ya, if God is for us, who can be against us. So, what do ya say,
pilgrims, let's mount up and head west! Eeehah! (starts toward
his exit)

GEEZER -- Case you ain't noticed, Caleb. Ain't nobody mountin'
up and headin' west, 'cept you and Joshua.

CALEB --- (stops) Come on, pilgrims, you ain't asceered 'o no
pagan savages are ye?


CALEB --- Come on, Pilgrims, we got God on our side. What are
you afraid of?

GEEZER -- Arrows.

SLIM ---- Spears.

GEEZER -- Yup, I think that about summarizes it: arrows and

CALEB --- Ah, shucks, pilgrims, after what the Lord done to get
us out of Egypt and all, you ain't chickenin' out now, are ya?


SLIM ---- We was thinkin' that maybe this weren't such a good
idee, leavin' Egypt. We was thinkin' maybe we should turn back.

CALEB --- Who's this WE, yer talkin' 'bout, Slim? Me an' Joshua
ain't even considerin' turnin' tail now. The promised land is as
good as ours.

GEEZER -- I ain't so sure 'bout that, Caleb, what with them
pagan polecats occupyin' the land an' all.

SLIM ---- He's right. We seen 'em with our own eyes. And we is
thinkin', (takes a pomegrante from the basket) that maybe we was
gonna elect a new leader for this here wagon train and head on
back to Egypt. (takes a bite)

CALEB --- Oh, oh. (Covers head moves away from Slim)

GEEZER -- (follows Caleb) How come you're duckin' and taking
cover, Caleb? Ain't no savages on this side of the Jordan River.

CALEB --- I ain't worried 'bout the savages. I'm worried about
the Lord God amighty.

GEEZER -- Why you worried 'bout the Lord, son. He's on our side.

CALEB --- Slim an' his sidekicks is talkin' 'bout bushwackin'
Moses, who is God's annointed leader. An' when ya do that, yer
gonna git yourself drygulched by the Lord. An' I don't wanna git
caught in the crossfire.

SLIM ---- What'er you yammerin' about, Caleb. The Lord ain't
gonna drygulch no... (coughs, chokes, dies)

GEEZER -- Them pomegrantes musta been mighty powerful, Caleb.

CALEB --- That weren't no pomegrante, Geezer. That was the Lord
God Amighty what done that . Anybody else thinkin' bout electin'
another leader?

GEEZER -- Uh uh! No, not me! No way, Jose! Like you said, I'm
mountin' up and headin' west.

CALEB --- It's too late for that, Geezer. Ya might as well
circle the wagons, pilgrim.

GEEZER -- How come?

CALEB --- Slim and his friends made the Lord hoppin' mad. An now
we'll all be awandrin' out here in the desert until everbody but
the younguns has kicked the bucket.

(hands geezer the basket of fruit, steps over Slim's body)

Here, Geezer, you might as well enjoy some of the fruits of the
promised land, while they last. (exits to Geezer's side)

GEEZER -- (looks at Slim's body as he steps over it) Thanks,
Caleb, (exits with basket at arm's length) but if it's all the
same to you, someone else can have the pomegrantes.

�2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it.
Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances.
You may reproduce and distribute this script freely,
but all copies must contain this copyright statement.  email: [email protected]