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APPLEEYE 4'2m?f What is the apple of your eye?

PAT -- (wanders on stage backward, looks around)

DOC -- (enters, puts stethoscope to Pat's chest)
       Good morning.

PAT -- Doctor, what are you...

DOC -- Take a deep breath...

PAT -- (Deep breath)
       Doctor, I'm not here to...

DOC -- Deep breath.

PAT -- (deep breath)
       Doctor, there's been a misunderstanding...

DOC -- Very interesting!

PAT -- Doctor, I don't think you... interesting?

DOC -- Very interesting. Do you ever hear voices?

PAT -- Voices? Why no, doctor.

DOC -- Hmmmm. I hear voices.

PAT -- (taps shirt pocket)
        Doctor, your stethoscope is on my Walkman.

DOC -- (clears his throat)
       I knew that.
       (Puts ophthalmoscope in Pat's ear)

PAT -- Doctor, the reason I'm here is...

DOC -- Oh dear! Oh my! Oh no!

PAT -- What is it, Doctor?

DOC -- (shakes the Ophthalmoscope)
       My batteries are dead.

PAT -- (points) Maybe if you just switch it on?

DOC -- (clears throat)
       Yes, well, let's continue.

PAT -- (Holds up three fingers beside other ear)
       How many fingers am I holding up?

DOC -- Three.

PAT -- Good, it's working.

DOC -- Yes. Now the other ear.

PAT -- Doctor, I didn't come in here to...

DOC -- Ahha! Lots of fibrous growth.

PAT -- Doctor, you're looking at the back of my head.

DOC -- I knew that.
       (moves to ear)

PAT -- Doctor, I didn't come in here to have my heart, lungs and
       ears examined.

DOC -- I'm sure I can find something wrong if I look hard enough.

PAT -- No, no. I came to find out about the apple of my eye.

DOC -- You have an apple in your eye?
       (examines Pat's eye)

PAT -- No, I don't have an apple in my eye, I just...

DOC -- Not this eye, anyway. Let's have a look at the other eye.

PAT -- (pushes him away)
       Doctor, I don't have an apple in either eye.

DOC -- Then, let's have a look at your x-rays.

PAT -- X-rays?

DOC -- You know, they're pictures of your insides.
       (holds up and examines xrays)
       Oh, my goodness!

PAT -- What is it doctor?

DOC -- We'd better schedule emergency surgery.
       (picks up phone)

PAT -- Surgery?!

DOC -- Yes. I should also call my travel agent and tell him I can
       afford that trip to Tahiti now.

PAT -- Doctor. There is now way I'm having surgery.

DOC -- (puts down phone)
       Why? Is $5000 too much money for you?

PAT -- $5000?!

DOC -- For $50 I can touch up your xrays.

PAT -- But those aren't even my xrays.

DOC -- The surgery is really a snap. I've seen it done lots of
       times.

PAT -- That's it! I'm going somewhere else to ask my question.
       (tries to leave)

DOC -- Question? What question?

PAT -- I came here to ask about the origin of the Biblical
       reference to the apple of my eye.

DOC -- But, I've examined your eyes. There's no fruit of any kind
       in your eyes.

PAT -- I'm not talking about a real apple. It's a figure of
       speech.  It's from Deuteronomy.

DOC -- Well, Ophthalmologist down the hall might answer your
       question.

PAT -- Good, thank you.
       (exits)

DOC -- (follows, shouts, exits)
       But he's from northern California.  He's never been to
       Deuteronomy.


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