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FALLGUY  4'?m2f Scapegoat: salvation by proxy

(scene: waiting room or six chairs facing audience)

LIZ -- (enters wearing business suit, carrying briefcase, sits)

AMY -- (enters wearing business suit, carrying business card,
reads) Miss Johnson?

LIZ -- (stands, offers hand) Please, call me Liz.

AMY -- (shakes, pointing over shoulder) My secretary wasn't
really clear about why you wanted to see me.

LIZ -- I'm sorry. It's still a new concept. But, once you see
what an invaluable service I offer, I think you'll agree it's
long overdue.

AMY -- Just exactly what is it that a (reads) "liability proxy
representative" does.

LIZ -- Well, for a modest fee, I will assume responsibility for
your liabilities.

AMY -- I don't understand.

LIZ -- Let's suppose for a second that you make a controversial
management decision. And suppose that for one reason or another
the results are... well, disastrous. I mean, let's face it,
everybody makes mistakes.

AMY -- Yes, of course, but what exactly does that have to do
with you?

LIZ -- Well, in the crucial hours before your board of directors
find out about the disaster, you put me on your payroll and I
take full responsibility for your mistake. You fire me. And,
instead of becoming the company villain, you take the credit for
ridding the company of the culprit.

AMY -- You're a scapegoat.

LIZ -- Yes.

AMY -- A professional fall guy.

LIZ -- You seem to have a firm grasp on the concept.

AMY -- Yes.

LIZ -- Now about my fee. I charge 50% of your potential loss of
wages over the entire length of....

AMY -- ...That won't be necessary.

LIZ -- It's no problem. You don't have to do the calculation.
(pulls paper from briefcase) I have a preprinted fee schedule
breaking down monthly salaries and various lengths of
unemployment resulting from termination. My 50% fee is....

AMY -- No. I'm saying that won't be necessary....

LIZ -- As you can see from the schedule, the average
duration of unemployment from getting fired is substantially 
longer than from voluntary termination.

AMY -- No. You don't understand. I'm covered....

LIZ -- Oh, so you have a golden parachute! I'm aware that many
managers and CEOs have a sizeable termination bonus. So, if
that's the case for you, we can still do business together. I
also have a plan (pulls paper from briefcase, offers it) for 
assuming your PERSONAL liabilities.

AMY -- No. What I'm saying is, I'm covered....

LIZ -- (points to paper) As you can see, I'm willing to take the
blame for shopping sprees, over-draft notices, breaking up your
marriage. I'm even prepared to accept responsibility for your
failure to call your mother often enough. (points) Naturally, my
fees for such services are much more modest.

AMY -- I'm sorry. I'm covered.

LIZ -- You're covered.

AMY -- Yes. I've been trying to tell you.

LIZ -- This is a brand new service. I wasn't aware I had any
competition. Maybe we could negotiate the fee. I'll meet or beat
any competitor's offer. How much does this person charge for
taking the blame for your mistakes?

AMY -- It's free.

LIZ -- That's impossible! How can a person make any money by
charging no fee?!

AMY -- He can't. He doesn't. He does it for love.

LIZ -- Love.

AMY -- Yes.

LIZ -- No money. So, you give him stock options?

AMY -- Nothing.

LIZ -- Listen, you'd better be careful. You get what you pay
for. If this guy takes the blame for you, his service is
probably limited.

AMY -- No. It's unlimited.

LIZ -- Unlimited.

AMY -- Yes.

LIZ -- Well, it CAN'T be unlimited. He would never pay the price
if you did something illegal.

AMY -- As a matter of fact, he would.

LIZ -- Well, I know he wouldn't die for you.

AMY -- As a matter of fact, he did.

LIZ -- Did? You mean, past tense?

AMY -- Past tense.

LIZ -- That guy really loved you, huh?

AMY -- Still does.

LIZ -- How can that be?

AMY -- He rose from the dead.

LIZ -- (exiting) Well, there's no way I can compete with that.

AMY -- (exiting opposite) No way you'd ever want to.

©2008 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
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