BACK SHORTS ?'?m?f Several short scripts, self-defeating arguments STATISTICS AMY -- Hey, did you see this? LIZ -- What's that? AMY -- This article in this magazine says that 63% of all statistics quoted in magazines and newspapers are false. LIZ -- You don't believe that, do you? AMY -- Of course! It's written right here in this magazine! SCIENCE VERSUS RELIGION LIZ -- Do you know why I'm not a Christian? AMY -- I'm sure you'll tell me. LIZ -- I'm not a Christian because Christianity is not scientific. AMY -- Is that supposed to mean something? LIZ -- Yes, I only believe in things that can be measured, studied, or observed with the senses. AMY -- Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. You only believe in.... LIZ -- I only believe in things that can be measured, studied, and observed with the senses. AMY -- So, you don't believe in your own thoughts. LIZ -- Yes I do! AMY -- What kind of microscope do you use to measure, study and observe your own thoughts? LIZ -- Silly goose! You don't use a microscope! AMY -- What do you use, then? LIZ -- Actually, I'm not sure. AMY -- What about love? You couldn't possibly believe in love either. LIZ -- Yes, I do. AMY -- How about loyalty? You couldn't possibly believe in loyalty either. Or enthusiasm. Or hatred. Or patriotism. Or Memories. Or infinity. Or... LIZ -- Alright! Alright! I get the point! AMY -- You get the point. LIZ -- Yes. AMY -- How do you measure that? LIZ -- Measure what? AMY -- How do you study, observe, or measure getting my point? LIZ -- (exits) Nevermind. TIME VS RELIGION LIZ -- Do you know why I'm not a Christian? AMY -- I'm sure you'll tell me. LIZ -- I'm not a Christian because Jesus lived in the past and you can never know for sure what happened in the past. AMY -- I'm sorry, did you just say something? LIZ -- Don't be silly! You were looking right at me when I said it. It's a very simple proposition. I merely said, "you can never know for sure what happened in the past." AMY -- I'm sorry, did you just say something? LIZ -- What is your problem? AMY -- As soon as you finished that last sentence, it was already in the past. So, according to your own logic, I can never know for sure that you even said it. LIZ -- (exiting in a huff) Oh, that's just like you Christians to play dirty. GOD IS INDESCRIBABLE LIZ -- Do you know why I'm not a Christian? AMY -- I'm sure you'll tell me. LIZ -- I'm not a Christian because you Christians think you know things you couldn't possibly know. AMY -- And just what things do we think we know that we couldn't possibly know? LIZ -- Well, God, for one thing. AMY -- So, you think we couldn't possibly know God. LIZ -- That's right. AMY -- And why couldn't we possibly know God? LIZ -- Because God is indescribable. AMY -- Did you hear what you just said? LIZ -- Yes. I said, God is indescribable. AMY -- Let me ask the question another way. Are you aware that you just described God as indescribable? LIZ -- I did? AMY -- Yes. LIZ -- (exiting) See what I mean? AMY -- Actually, no. HUMAN LANGUAGE LIZ -- Did you know that human language is incapable of describing reality? AMY -- I'm sorry, did you say something? LIZ -- Yes I did. I said, Human language is incapable of describing reality. AMY -- I'm sorry, did you say something? LIZ -- I know you heard me. You were looking right at me! I said, Human language is incapable of describing reality. AMY -- If what you said is true, you didn't say anything, because you used human language. And if I answer I would have to use human language, which wouldn't mean anything. LIZ -- (exits in a huff) I can't carry on an intelligent conversation with you! AMY -- Apparently not with human language. ABSOLUTE TRUTH AMY -- So, they tell me that you're a relativist. LIZ -- Yes. There is no absolute truth. AMY -- Is that true? LIZ -- Yes. No. What I mean is, it's true for me. AMY -- Is that the absolute truth? LIZ -- Yes. No. What I mean is, it's relatively true for me. AMY -- But you can't be sure. LIZ -- Of course I'm sure! AMY -- Then, it's absolutely true for you. LIZ -- Yes. No. What I mean is, there is NO absolute truth. AMY -- Well, then, if what you say is true, then what you say is false? LIZ -- (exiting) If it was anybody but you, I'd say yes. UNIVERSAL MORALS LIZ -- So, you're a Christian, huh? AMY -- Yes, I am. LIZ -- I'll bet you're one of those Christians who believes that there are universal morals. AMY -- Yes, I am. LIZ -- How archaic. Universal morals went out with high button shoes! AMY -- Then you wouldn't mind if I punched you in the nose? LIZ -- Yes, I'd mind! AMY -- Then, are you saying it would be WRONG to punch you in the nose? LIZ -- Yes. No. What I mean is, in this interpretive community it's wrong for you to punch anyone in the nose. AMY -- Bad luck. I don't happen to belong to your interpretive community. (makes fist) LIZ -- On the other hand, what if I admit that there is just one thing that is universally morally wrong? AMY -- Then, I'll answer by stomping on your foot. Would there be TWO things that are universally morally wrong? LIZ -- Listen, forget I said anything against universal morals. AMY -- So, what you're saying is, there ARE some things that are universally wrong for everybody. LIZ -- Relatively speaking. TIME AND RELATIVISM LIZ -- Do you know why I'm a relativist? AMY -- Because you don't get enough attention from your mother? LIZ -- No. It's because of time. AMY -- You're a relativist because of time? LIZ -- Yes. I'm a relativist because everything is in a state of flux. Nothing is the same from moment to moment. AMY -- I'm sorry, did you say something? LIZ -- Don't pretend you didn't hear me. I said I'm a relativist because everything is in a state of flux. Nothing is the same from moment to moment. AMY -- I'm sorry, did you say something? LIZ -- So, what you're saying is that you don't have an answer for me. AMY -- Well, actually, I DO have an answer. But, in order to answer you, even if I answer you in one short sentence, that sentence takes time to speak. LIZ -- Yes, so? AMY -- So, according to you, everything is in a state of flux. Nothing is the same from moment to moment. By the time I finish my sentence, the meaning will change. You won't know what I mean. But first I have to understand what you said in a state of flux. And in a state of flux I'm not really sure you said anything. LIZ -- I'll talk to you later. AMY -- I doubt it. It's time for lunch. LIZ -- What does lunch have to do with flux? AMY -- After lunch you won't get back to ME, because I won't be the same person with food in my stomach as I am now. LITERARY CRITICISM LIZ -- (points to book) This author says that writers never write what's true, only what they feel about the subject. AMY -- Then, you can't believe a word he says. LIZ -- Why not? AMY -- Because he says writers never write what's true. He's a writer isn't he? LIZ -- Yes. AMY -- So, by his own definition he never writes what's true, only how he feels about the subject. LIZ -- It sounded so intellectual when HE said it. AMY -- You know there IS a way that that book might not be wrong. LIZ -- How's that? AMY -- (exits) If he left all the pages blank. LIZ -- (follows) I paid good money for this book. I think I'll get my money back. KNOW GOD LIZ -- (points to book) This author says that it's impossible to know God. AMY -- Why is it impossible? LIZ -- Because you can only know things that can be verified, he says. AMY -- Can that sentence be verified? LIZ -- What sentence? AMY -- "You can only know things that can be verified." LIZ -- Gee, I don't know. How could we verify it? Maybe if we knew God. AMY -- But he says it's impossible to know God. LIZ -- Maybe if we know for sure that God doesn't exist. AMY -- How would you know for sure? LIZ -- You can't. All you can prove is that God is not where you looked. AMY -- Is God the kind of thing you can find by looking? LIZ -- No. I suppose not. AMY -- So, can you verify the author's statement, "You can only know things that can be verified?" LIZ -- No! (slams book shut) Even his own statement can't be verified! The guy is a fraud! BRAIN POWER LIZ -- This author says "Thought is a reflex of the brain" AMY -- Are you sure you didn't misread that? LIZ -- No. I'm quoting it exactly as it appears in the book. "Thought is a reflex of the brain" AMY -- Where did that sentence come from? LIZ -- From this book. AMY -- Where was that sentence before the author printed it in his book? LIZ -- Oh. It was a thought. AMY -- And a thought is.... LIZ -- A reflex of the brain. AMY -- So, he charged you $22.50 to look at the reflexes of his brain? LIZ -- (slams book shut) Maybe he was just talking about the thoughts of people stupid enough to buy his book. TOLERANCE LIZ -- Do you know why I stress tolerance? AMY -- I don't know. Enlighten me. LIZ -- I stress tolerance because "All differences are illusory." AMY -- Silly me. And I thought you were going to suddenly make sense. LIZ -- What. You don't believe that all differences are illusory? AMY -- No. LIZ -- Why not? AMY -- How many words are in the sentence "All differences are illusory"? LIZ -- Four. AMY -- How many of those words are the same? LIZ -- None. AMY -- So all the words are different? LIZ -- Yes. AMY -- So, by the author's own definition, that sentence is an illusion. LIZ -- (exiting in a huff) Oh, you're just intolerant! Š2008 Bob Snook. Conditions for use: Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it. Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances. You may reproduce and distribute this script freely, but all copies must contain this copyright statement. http://www.bobsnook.org email: bob@bobsnook.org BACK