SWOON    5'?m2f The swoon theory: "there was no resurrection"

LIZ -- (enters hopping, wrapped neck-to-foot like a mummy, with
arms bound to sides) The store room is right over here.

AMY -- (follows carrying strips of linen) Listen, I'm not sure
we should be doing this.

LIZ -- I knew you'd try to wiggle out of it.

AMY -- I'm not trying to wiggle out of anything.

LIZ -- You're afraid I'll succeed and you'll lose the wager.

AMY -- That's not it at all. I've done a lot of reading about
this and there's no way....

LIZ -- ....You're just afraid that I'll prove the SWOON theory
and you'll have to give up going to church.

AMY -- The SWOON theory.

LIZ -- Yes. You Christians have it all wrong. Jesus didn't
really die on the cross. He merely fainted. I'm about to show
you how Jesus awoke from unconsciousness in the cool air of the
tomb and escaped from the tomb.

AMY -- You don't have a clue.

LIZ -- Do we have a wager or not?!

AMY -- Alright. If you can demonstrate that Jesus did not raise
from the dead...

LIZ -- ...You'll stop going to church.

AMY -- There would be no reason to go to church. If Jesus didn't 
raise from the dead, neither will I. Why would I want to go to 
church and worship a God who lied to me?

LIZ -- Good. Then, let's go. (hops)

AMY -- Wait.

LIZ -- (stops) What?

AMY -- I just want YOU to be aware of YOUR end of the wager.

LIZ -- There's not a chance that I could lose!

AMY -- (crosses arms)

LIZ -- Alright! If I lose, I promise to go to church with you.
Now, let's go to the tomb. (hops)

AMY -- Wait.

LIZ -- What now?!

AMY -- A store room is not a tomb.

LIZ -- Oh, now you're getting picky on me.

AMY -- Alright. I'll let you have your way. If you're willing to
meet all the other conditions of the burial, I'll pretend that
the store room is a tomb when the door is closed and sealed.

LIZ -- Your not going to seal the door to the store room when
I'm inside, are you?

AMY -- That's the plan. Afterall, the tomb was sealed.

LIZ -- Wait a minute. If you seal the door, I'll be out of air
within a few hours.

AMY -- It shouldn't take you very long to escape.

LIZ -- But, you said Jesus was in the tomb for three days.

AMY -- That's right.

LIZ -- Well, that means HE would have been out of air after a 
few hours too.

AMY -- It could have been even less than that.

LIZ -- What do you mean?

AMY -- The eye-witnesses say that people had to bend over to
enter the tomb. That means the tomb was probably smaller than
this store room.

LIZ -- Listen, maybe you should hang around here until I've made
my escape.

AMY -- Why?

LIZ -- Well, what if I can't wiggle out of these wrappings
before the air runs out.

AMY -- (resumes) Don't worry. You will have a big advantage over
Jesus in the tomb.

LIZ -- (follows hopping) How so?

AMY -- Well, first of all, I'm not going to whip you until your
back looks like hamburger or bash you in the head or pull your 
beard out by the roots or stab you through the heart.

LIZ -- They did that to Jesus?!

AMY -- That's what the eye-witnesses said.

LIZ -- Listen. You're not going to...

AMY -- No! Of course not! And, unlike Jesus, you will have the
complete use of your hands and arms.

LIZ -- (stops) You mean Jesus couldn't use his hands or arms?

AMY -- (stops) No.

LIZ -- Why not?

AMY -- The nails through Jesus wrists probably severed the
nerves and completely immobilized his hands.

LIZ -- Oooo, gross!

AMY -- That's right. And hanging from the cross the way he did
probably cause both of his shoulders to be dislocated.

LIZ -- Dislocated.

AMY -- Yes, crucifixion pulls the ball joint of the arm
completely out of the shoulder socket joint.

LIZ -- Gross! Well, I definitely want this demonstration to be
authentic. I'll open the door with my feet.

AMY -- Actually, Jesus didn't have the use of his feet either.

LIZ -- Why not?

AMY -- Well, the nail through his ankles probably severed the
nerves to his feet. They were probably paralyzed too.

LIZ -- Well, then, I'll just lean against the door to open it.

AMY -- Assuming that you can stand up on broken ankles.

LIZ -- Picky, picky!

AMY -- I don't think a thousand-pound boulder is being picky.

LIZ -- A thousand pounds?

AMY -- Then, of course, once Jesus rolled away the boulder,
there were the armed guards.

LIZ -- Armed guards?!

AMY -- According to the eye witness accounts, Governor Pilate
assigned several Roman soldiers to stand guard outside of the
tomb. Once Jesus rolled away the boulder, He had to get by the
armed guards. I suppose, in order to be authentic, I should have
my dog guard the door.

LIZ -- Your Doberman Pincher?

AMY -- You want this to be a comparable demonstration, don't

LIZ -- Well, yes, but, your dog doesn't like me.

AMY -- It should be easier to get by one dog than a dozen guards 
with swords and spears, don't you think?

LIZ -- I don't know. Your dog always looks at me like I'm his
next meal.

AMY -- I think my dog is the least of your worries.

LIZ -- What could be worse than being eaten by a dog?

AMY -- (resumes) I think you'll have a difficult time with your
head wrappings.

LIZ -- (hops) What head wrappings? You mean you're going to wrap
my head too?

AMY -- Yes, the Bible says that Jesus' entire body was wrapped
with linens and the linens were soaked in aloes and spices.

LIZ -- (stops) You mean your even going to cover my mouth?

AMY -- Well, sure.

LIZ -- But if you soak the wrappings over my mouth, I won't be
able to breathe!

AMY -- I figure you'll have about three minutes before you lose
consciousness. (exiting)

LIZ -- (turns exits opposite, hopping) Oh, well, in that case...

AMY -- (turns, follows) Where are you going?

LIZ -- I'm getting dressed for church.

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