BACK SANHEDRI 6'2m0f The messiah is seen as competition to Sanhedrin HEDRIN -- (harsh, intense, stands at podium) Nillman! NILLMAN - (mouse, enters, hurries to podium) Yes, Mr Hedrin? HEDRIN -- Nillman, what kept you? NILLMAN - Well, I, ah... HEDRIN -- ...I'm not a man you should keep waiting, Nillman! NILLMAN - No, sir, I... I... HEDRIN -- Don't just stand there sputtering, man! There's work to be done! NILLMAN - Work, sir? HEDRIN -- The competition is moving in on us, Nillman. And you know our motto here at San Hedrin and company. NILLMAN - Yes, sir, our motto is "Do it to them before they do it to you." HEDRIN -- That's right, and I just received word that a wedding in the city of Cana in Galilee is running out of wine. NILLMAN - Uh huh. HEDRIN -- Well, why are you just standing there, Nillman? Get going! NILLMAN - Yes, sir. (exits, reenters) Mr Hedrin? HEDRIN -- Yes, Nillman? NILLMAN - What did you want me to do in Cana, Mr Hedrin? HEDRIN -- What am I going to do with you, Nillman? Do we have wine? NILLMAN - Ah, yes, ah, we have plenty of wine, sir. HEDRIN -- Do they have wine, Nillman? NILLMAN - Ah, from what I hear, they're running out, sir. HEDRIN -- Well?! NILLMAN - Well, so, you want me to give them some wine, sir? HEDRIN -- GIVE them some wine!? Nillman, what am I going to do with you? San Hedrin and company doesn't GIVE anything. NILLMAN - We don't, sir? HEDRIN -- Nillman, we swindle property from widows and orphans. We're not about to give away some perfectly good wine. NILLMAN - Uh huh. HEDRIN -- Well, get going! Hurry! Before the competition gets there. NILLMAN - Yes, sir. (exits reenters) I was too late, sir. HEDRIN -- Too late? You mean you already went out to Cana and back again? NILLMAN - Yes, you told me to hurry. But, there was a fellow already at the wedding who beat me to it. HEDRIN -- Nillman, are you trying to tell me that this guy just happened to bring a hundred and twenty gallons of wine to a wedding? NILLMAN - Well, not exactly, sir. HEDRIN -- Well, WHAT exactly, Nillman. NILLMAN - He changed water into wine, sir. HEDRIN -- He what?! NILLMAN - They said that he changed water into wine, sir. HEDRIN -- Don't be silly, Nillman! That would take a miracle! NILLMAN - Yes, Mr Hedrin. HEDRIN -- What do you mean, "Yes, Mr Hedrin"? NILLMAN - It WAS a miracle. HEDRIN -- Do you like working here, Nillman? NILLMAN - It was an unconfirmed miracle, sir. HEDRIN -- That's better. Nillman, while you were gone, we got in another emergency. Take all of our surplus bread and fish over to the Sea of Galilee. There's a crowd of 5000 people over there that have nothing to eat. San Hedrin and company could make a fortune off of them! NILLMAN - Yes, sir. Right away, sir. (exits, reenters) I was too late again, sir. HEDRIN -- Nillman! NILLMAN - I'm sorry, sir, but that man did it again. HEDRIN -- What man? Did what again? NILLMAN - The same man who turned the water into wine at the wedding fed 5000 people with 5 small barley loaves and two small fish. HEDRIN -- Don't be silly, Nillman! That would take a miracle! NILLMAN - Yes, Mr Hedrin. HEDRIN -- Not again! Nillman, that man is costing us a lot of money. NILLMAN - Yes, sir. HEDRIN -- What's his name? NILLMAN - His name is Jesus of Nazareth. HEDRIN -- Nazareth, eh? So, well, that's a relief. NILLMAN - A relief, sir? HEDRIN -- Yes, for a minute there I thought he might be the messiah. We were expecting the messiah to show up anytime now. But he'll come from King David's home town, Bethlehem. So, if this Jesus is from Nazareth, he's obviously an impostor. NILLMAN - Maybe we can get him to work for San Hedrin and Company, sir. HEDRIN -- Nillman! Are you suggesting we buy off the competition?! NILLMAN - Well, yes, sir. HEDRIN -- Nillman, I think you have a real future here at San Hedrin! NILLMAN - Thank you, Mr Hedrin. I try hard to do my very best... HEDRIN -- Put a sock in it Nillman. There's work to be done. NILLMAN - Yes, Mr Hedrin. HEDRIN -- A man named Lazarus just died. See if you can swindle his two sisters out of their property. NILLMAN - Yes, sir. Right away, sir. (exits, reenters) Bad news again, sir. HEDRIN -- Oh, no! Not that Jesus of Nazareth again! NILLMAN - Yes, sir. HEDRIN -- So, he swindled the sisters before you got there? NILLMAN - No, sir. Not exactly, sir. He raised Lazarus from the dead. HEDRIN -- Don't be silly, Nillman! That would take a miracle! NILLMAN - Yes, Mr Hedrin. HEDRIN -- Nillman, this Jesus is eating into our profits! NILLMAN - Yes, sir. HEDRIN -- Nillman, the next time Jesus of Nazareth shows up in Jerusalem here, I want you to have him arrested and killed. NILLMAN - That's pretty harsh, isn't it, sir? HEDRIN -- What am I going to do with you, Nillman? NILLMAN - Sorry, sir. He's as good as dead, Mr Hedrin. (exits, reenters) More bad news, Mr Hedrin. HEDRIN -- Don't tell me he slipped through your hands, Nillman. NILLMAN - No, sir, he came peacefully. I paid off a bunch of witnesses and we convicted him and crucified him. HEDRIN -- Well, then, he's dead! (laughs fiendishly) NILLMAN - Not exactly, sir. HEDRIN -- Well, did he die or didn't he, Nillman? NILLMAN - Well, yes, sir. He died, alright. I had the guard run a spear through his heart just to be sure. HEDRIN -- So, he's dead, right? Tell me he's dead, Nillman! NILLMAN - Well, he WAS dead, Mr Hedrin. HEDRIN -- Don't tell me he raised from the dead, Nillman. NILLMAN - Alright, sir. HEDRIN -- (pause) Well, what happened? NILLMAN - You told me not to tell you, sir. HEDRIN -- You mean he really raised from the dead, Nillman? NILLMAN - Yes, sir. (tiptoes toward exit) HEDRIN -- Don't be silly, Nillman! That would take a miracle! NILLMAN - (exiting) Yes, Mr Hedrin. �2013 Bob Snook. 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