BACK

TRINITY3 9'1m4f Deity and humanity of Jesus, trinity, cults

SAM -- (enters wearing a fedora with unlit cigarette in mouth,
crosses strolling, to audience) The name is Spade. Sam Spade.
I'm a private investigator. In fact, I'm the world's greatest
private investigator.

LAWYER -- (follows, wearing business suit, carrying briefcase)
Spade? Sam Spade? (freezes)

SAM -- (stops, to audience) When you're the world's greatest
private-eye, everybody knows your name. But this is one person I
wish never heard of me. She's a lawyer. I think that says it
all.

(turns)

Not interested.

LAWYER -- (approaches) I haven't even told you what I want to
hire you for.

SAM -- (finger tips to own forehead) Let's see. Yes. Yes, it's
coming to me. You... you're client is suing the mainline
Christian church, just like that other cult?

LAWYER -- It's not a cult. It's a church.

SAM -- (turns away) Sorry. Been there. Done that.

LAWYER -- There's a lot of money in this for you!

SAM -- Look, your clients have sued the mainline Christian
church before and lost. Why waste your time?

LAWYER -- (offers envelope) I do it for the money.

SAM -- Money?! (turns, takes, peaks into envelope) What did you
do, rob a bank?

LAWYER -- My new client is... let's just say that tithing is a
requirement for membership.

SAM -- So, this isn't the same cult?

LAWYER -- Cult? My client does not wish to be referred to as a
cult! My client claims to be God's one true church.

SAM -- What makes you think this lawsuit won't be thrown out of
court just like the last one?

LAWYER -- Well, in the former lawsuit my client was claiming
that Jesus was not God. In this lawsuit the new client is
claiming that Jesus wasn't really a man.

SAM -- And all I have to do is wave my retainer fee and...

LAWYER -- (offers envelope) Not at all. My client is rolling in
the dough.

SAM -- (takes, peaks into envelope) You're sure this dough is
legit?

LAWYER -- This CHURCH is a Certified 501C3 organization.

SAM -- And if I prove that Jesus wasn't really a man?

LAWYER -- Your cut will me FOUR million dollars.

SAM -- Four?! They're suing for twice as much?

LAWYER -- Precisely. Well, get moving. The faster you can bring
down mainline Christianity, the faster you can collect your fee.
(turns, exits)

SAM -- As with my previous investigation, my first destination
was to the public library. (to Library) Hiya, doll-face.

LIBRARIAN -- (enters opposite carrying a stack of books) Will
you please keep your voice down?! This is a library!

SAM -- Oh, sorry, doll-face. I need some information.

LIBRARIAN -- What kind of information?

SAM -- I need to know about Jesus.

LIBRARIAN -- Look in the Bible. (turns)

SAM -- (shouts, digs into pocket) Oh, look! Somebody dropped a
twenty dollar bill on the floor!

LIBRARIAN -- (turns) Where?!

SAM -- (offers money) Right here.

LIBRARIAN -- (takes money) Jesus is first mentioned in Genesis
chapter three, verse 15.

SAM -- Wait a minute. Even I know that Genesis is in the Old
Testament. Jesus is in the New Testament!

LIBRARIAN -- Yes, but the concept of a savior is first mentioned
in Genesis, after Adam and Eve sinned. God told the serpent who
caused them to sin, he said, "I will put enmity between you and
the woman, and between your offspring and hers; he will crush
your head, and you will strike his heel."

SAM -- And you think HER OFFSPRING means Jesus?

LIBRARIAN -- Of course. Why do you want to know?

SAM -- My client wants proof that Jesus was not a man. You just
told me that Jesus is the offspring of Eve. That makes him a
man. Maybe you misquoted God. I mean, that was a long time ago.
Maybe the quote got written down wrong.

LIBRARIAN -- Well, you might want to try a more recent book. Try
the prophet Daniel. He lived just a few hundreds of years before
Jesus. (turns, exits)

SAM -- Thanks, doll-face. (turns, strolls, to audience) To avoid
errors, I wanted to hear the prophecy directly from the horse's
mouth, so I went back in time to 487 B.C. to visit the prophet
Daniel in Babylon. (stops) Now, I can see by your expression
that you doubt me. But, when your the world's greatest
private-eye, your not subject to the same limitations as lesser
private-eyes. So, go with me on this. This is Babylon, 487 B.C..

(all Biblical characters wear tunic and sandals)

ADMIN -- (enters opposite) Welcome to the Satraps office. May I
help you?

SAM -- Yeah, I'd like to talk to the Prophet Daniel.

ADMIN -- SATRAP Daniel is the second most powerful man in the
empire. He's very busy. What would you like to see him about?

SAM -- It's about a guy named Jesus.

ADMIN -- I'm sorry, I've been keeping Daniel's appointments
since he took office. He's never even mentioned anyone named
Jesus. (freezes)

SAM -- (to audience) See, this is the problem with time travel.
Jesus won't even be around for 487 years. (to Admin) Yeah,
sorry, my bad. What I meant was, SATRAP Daniel is also a
prophet. He can predict the future. And in the future there will
be a guy who claims to be the savior.

ADMIN -- The savior.

SAM -- Yes.

ADMIN -- Of Daniel's people.

SAM -- Well, actually, the claim is he will be the savior of ALL
the people.

ADMIN -- But the savior will live among Daniel's people.

SAM -- Oh. Yeah. Sure.

ADMIN -- The Son of Man.

SAM -- Excuse me?

ADMIN -- The Son of Man. Daniel calls the Savior "The Son of
Man"

SAM -- I hope that doesn't mean what I think it means.

ADMIN -- Well, I don't know what YOU think it means, but
according to Daniel, the Son of Man, the savior of the world,
will be born of a woman.

SAM -- Bummer.

ADMIN -- But that's a good thing.

SAM -- For SOME people, but not for me.

ADMIN -- Well, for some of us, it's a good thing because, as a
human being, the Son of man will be able to be tempted like
other men, yet he will be without sin, because he will also be
God.

SAM -- So, he'll be God AND man.

ADMIN -- Yes.

SAM -- At the same time.

ADMIN -- Yes.

SAM -- Bummer.

ADMIN -- Why do you keep saying that?! It's good news! (exits)

SAM -- Good news to you. But it could cost me four million
bucks. (turns, strolls, to audience) Things were not looking
good for my financial prospects. I had to assume that this
Satrap Daniel wasn't really a prophet. I time-traveled to
Jerusalem at a time when I knew that Jesus would be there. (to
Mary) Hiya, doll-face.

MARY -- (enters opposite) If you're implying what I think you're
implying, forget it. I don't do those things anymore, not since
I met Jesus.

SAM -- Oh, sorry, doll-face, I met no disrespect. I call all the
babes doll-face. It's a term of endearment. I just wanted to
find Jesus. And you obviously know him.

MARY -- Yes, I do.

SAM -- So, where is he?

MARY -- He and his apostles just finished celebrating the
passover. They left the city and headed east.

SAM -- Bummer.

MARY -- Was there something I could help you with?

SAM -- Yeah, I just had a conversation with the Prophet
Daniel...

MARY -- Look, mister, I wasn't born yesterday. Daniel has been
dead for over 450 years! (freezes)

SAM -- (to audience) Time travel gives me jet-lag. I've got to
stop doing this. (to Mary) What I meant was, I was READING the
book of Daniel in the scriptures.

MARY -- Oh.

SAM -- And Daniel refers to Jesus as the...

BOTH -- Son of Man.

SAM -- Yes. So, you know about it.

MARY -- Sure. Jesus calls himself the Son of Man more often than
he calls himself the Son of God.

SAM -- Bummer.

MARY -- That's a good thing!

SAM -- I'm sure it is for you. Now, listen, just so we're
perfectly clear on our terminology, when Jesus calls himself the
Son of Man, he means that he was...

MARY -- Born of a woman.

SAM -- I wish you hadn't said that.

MARY -- That's a good thing. It means that Jesus can empathize
with us. He knows what we're feeling. When he calls us brothers
and sisters, he really means it.

SAM -- So, you know this for sure. You know that Jesus was
actually born of a woman?

MARY -- Yes. His mother is a friend of mine. Jesus was born in
Bethlehem, just like the Prophet Micah predicted he would be.

SAM -- And there were witnesses.

MARY -- Well, I wasn't there. But yes, there were hundreds of
people who went to visit him after he was born. Even his
enemies, the Jewish elites call Jesus a MERE MAN.

SAM -- Bummer.

MARY -- Why do you keep saying that? Jesus is a descendant of
King David just as the Prophet Jeremiah predicted.

SAM -- Listen, is there any chance, any chance at all, that
Jesus could be an angel in the form of a human being?

MARY -- That's ridiculous. The Hebrew word for angel means
MESSENGER. Angels bring messages from God. Nothing more.

SAM -- Yes, but sometimes angels look like men.

MARY -- They do. But there is nowhere in the scriptures, not the
law nor the prophets nor the psalms, that ever described the
savior as an angel. It was never even hinted at.

SAM -- Four million bucks.

MARY -- What does that mean? (turns, exits)

SAM -- Nothing. Thanks for the info. (turns, strolls, to
audience) Well, there you have it, the world's greatest
private-eye gets the facts, but the facts show that Jesus was
both God and man. And my lawsuit gets thrown out of court.
(holds up envelopes) Oh well, at least this time I got my
retainer up front. (exits)

�2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it.
Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances.
You may reproduce and distribute this script freely,
but all copies must contain this copyright statement.
http://www.bobsnook.org  email: [email protected]

BACK